Lost in my life and its hard to find my way forward

Well its been a while since I have written on my blog, and its due to many issues going on right now.

The first is that I am having a new grand baby. I am super excited, but at the same time super angry that I wont be able to be like I was with my first grand baby with this one. This should be one of the most exciting times for me, but I worry. I worry how long will I be able to hold my grand child, I wonder how many days will I have to give up the right to spend time with her, knowing that those days of CES are going to interfere with my life as they do.

The thing is that CES has been ruling my life lately like never before. See after my surgery I had this fear, the fear of going back to a neurologist. It may seem irrational and some people may not understand it, but going to a neurologist is what landed me where I am. Going to a neurologist destroyed who I was. A neurologist became my nemesis in my mind and scared me to death. I had gone to one other neurologist before my surgery who told me one thing, so I went to the new doctor who was represented to me as a neurologist for a second opinion, but I then found out he was actually an orothopedic doctor, which I did not even know till after he had destroyed my life with his surgery and his lies. So yes I had an irrational fear of letting any other neurologist near me.

Well I ended up going back to the original neurologist because the problems with my feet are getting much worse and I even had a situation where my right leg completely stopped working, there for trumping my fear and sending me running to the neuro. He was not at all scary once I was there, and I am hoping with all my heart to trust him. I will be starting some rehab, as he hopes it can help with some of my pain. The loss of function is there and I don't think it will ever go away, but if he can help me to stop it from going further, then that will give me some peace of mind. Going through this though has put me in a very dark place again, and I am having a hard time climbing back up out of it. Most days are painful and I have to take a lot of medications just to cope, but sometimes if you can imagine, which is hard, its even worse. The kind of bad that makes you now want to fight anymore, and its hard. Its hard to try and focus on the positive like my new grand baby that is one the way.

Every time I start to feel happy, my body reminds me I have a lot of reason for not being happy. So I fight on
and hope that the next day will find me in a better place. Today was a very rough day, with an extreme amount of pain, and has again reminded me of my hate. My hate of what was done to me, by someone who only wanted to further their own aspirations, and not have any care at all for what he would do to me or what I would become because of his surgery. I wish I could make him live one day in my life to see what he has created with his lies and negligence.