Wow so it has been a couple weeks since I got out of the hospital, but still not myself.
Its been so hard living with Cauda Equina Syndrome. I would have much preferred to just leave the Tarlov Cyst as it was now that I know I was lied to about the results that led me to surgery. Since my hospital stay, my energy level is at a zero, and my pain has shot through the roof. My bowels have gone absolutely insane. I just cannot get a handle on this. When I go to sleep at night, I always pray for a better nights sleep and a better day to come, but those are just hopeless dreams as it never happens. I guess I am becoming resigned to the fact that I just have to live day by day, and live with the fact that I may never sleep another night through, without getting jolted awake by that shocking pain.
Here is a for instance for you. Last friday night, all of my friends had another reunion in my hometown. Its a yearly thing (which I also missed last year due to this) and I was hoping, just really hoping that I would feel up to at least going to see them for a short period of time. I figured it would not take much as we just sit and visit, but I could not even get the energy nor the pain under control for that small thing. Well of course the pain took control and I was not able to go. Its these simple things in life that brings back the depression of living with this like never before. It seems I cannot plan anything that might lift my spirits, because my body rules my life now.
Right now also my daughter is sick, as well as my husband and I am living in complete fear. The average person, the person I was before this surgery would have been doing all I can to help them because I love them that much. Now I have warned them to not come anywhere near me. I have my husband isolated to the bedroom and my daughter and grand daughter cannot come over to visit, because of my fear of them getting me sick. My daughter and grand daughter visited me two days ago, and I am still in fear I may get sick from that, as at the time they were not sick yet. I am in fear of getting sick and ending back up in the hospital. Its because I have no immune system from taking antibiotics daily now. They kill all the good bacteria in my body that protects me so I have no protection from sickness. If I were to get sick it could be very dangerous to me. So I am isolated, by myself, and any comunication I have is over phones or the internet. It is extremely lonely and I hate it.
I do take probiotics, but I am afraid that those will not do the job, you see I was taking them when I ended up in the hospital 2 weeks ago, so they might help a little, but I do not trust they will keep me well enough to not end up back there. The hospital is a whole other issue for me. My Dad had surgery for cancer on the 15th. Normally I would have been there waiting through the whole surgery to make sure he is ok, but I could not go there. I had to wait at home on pins and needles hoping he came through the procedure ok. I was so scared for him, yet I could not be there for him. Thankfully he came through it alright, but hes still in the hospital and probably will be for a while, but I cannot go see him. The most I can do is call him and for me that is just not enough. You see out of six children, I am the only one who has not abandoned him and still have a relationship with him, so I am all he has where his children are concerned. CES has now made that impossible for me, to be there.
Seriously, what next? What next will it take from me? What next will I find that will put my life at risk? That is what my life is like now, just waiting to see what thing it will limit next for me. It just seems to build up and I see no end in site. I wish that the surgeon that did this had really thought about what risk he put me at, before he lied to me to get me to consent to a surgery. I wonder how it would be for him if he had to live like this. Living in this prison he has put me in, damaging my relationships in my life and literally taking away the life I knew. I just constantly hope and pray that one day, someone will stop him from doing this to others. At least if I knew that, I would feel somewhat better mentally at least, to know that others are safe from the damage he could create. Maybe one day.
No comments:
Post a Comment