I have not updated for a few days, as the way my life works is there are spurts between doctors appts., and it takes a while for what they have to say to sink in before I feel like blogging.
So here so far is my beginning of my new round of appts. I went to see my neuro on Monday to ask some questions and set up some new imaging as it has not been done for quite a while and I would like to know if anything has changed. I finally got xrays that show the hardware in my back, and so far I cannot understand why there is so much. I was told after surgery that there was 1 plate and 4 screws. But I finally found the list and it showed 4 plates and 13 screws. Now wait a second? What is up with that. So that is what sent me on my new quest of getting new imaging. So I can see what exactly is in there. My neuro could not give me advice as to what was there or why, as he is not an orthopedic doctor, so that opinion will have to come from an ortho.
The good thing about getting the xrays is that now my neuro can speak to the radiologist, and between them they can figure out the best type of imaging to see everything, the hardware and the nerves, and hopefully give me more of an idea as to what the heck went wrong. I did have a conversation with my neuro about my hospitalization, because for the life of me I cannot figure out why I don't feel better. Why cant I get any energy? He said that once you go septic, it compromises your immune system and it does not seem to work properly after a situation like that. So that does explain somewhat. He said it could take up to six months for me to start feeling back to myself. I guess in most things before this surgery, if I got sick I always bounced right back, but since then it has been hell. I have had more infections in the last year and a half then I have had in my life. I was also told by the infectious disease specialist, that I will have to take antibiotics forever. I guess its just something I am going to have to deal with, although I have to say, I am really tired of going to doctors. I have seen more doctors since that surgery then I have seen in my life, and I have to say its getting old. But I do what I do to survive and stay as healthy as I can.
I think the little baby kittens came into my life right when I needed them to. It gave me something I could do and take my mind off of all of this stress. They put a smile on my face, and for a while, just a short while I can forget how bad things really are. I am just so glad that at least for them, they will have good lives, and it was because of me, because I seen they needed help and I was able to give it to them. I am proud for that :)
So the next steps are finding out what imaging will work best to show what happened to me, and I also need to go see my urologist and get on a program that is more efficient as well as starting to see the infectious disease specialist so he too can track my system, and hopefully between those two they can keep me out of the hospital. There is not a day that goes by that at some point my anger comes through. It comes through because all of my life I have trusted doctors. I remember thinking of their hypocritical oath they take of first do no harm. Until my surgery I never even questioned whether a doctor was being honest with me. I mean come on that is their job right? You go to them to find the truth. Now I have this anger that never truly goes away, because now I question every doctor that touches me or even talks to me and wonder if they are honest. It has always been my nature to trust, and that is something that has been taken away from me, and that I can never get back, and that is where my anger comes from. I have always believed the best in people, and it has been my philosophy all my life. Trust people until they prove to me I cant. Well that time has come and I have no trust and that really really bothers me on a daily basis.
Anyways so that is my plan for now, while I finish raising these kittens in between doctors. At least in between there is some innocence there, in five little furry kittens that did not ask to be where they are either. I think that is why I associate so well, since I never asked to be where I am either. Maybe some day I can trust again, but I don't see it happening. The only people I trust are my family, and very very close friends, and animals, because animals love you no matter what. I love that that love has been brought to me when I most need it, that love that comes from five little tiny furry creatures :) Who knows where I would be without that little love.
I just cannot wait till I can start feeling better and get some energy back. So I can at least go for walks, because lately that has even been a great challenge. I have gone out walking only twice in the last two weeks, where as before the whole ending up in the hospital again I was at least going a couple times a week. Lets hope that energy comes back soon, and I make sure to not run into anyone that is sick, because that is just a very scary thought to me right now with the flu season coming up.
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