So................. This is where I am at. I am silent, as I am depressed. Since I got out of the hospital it seems things have just stayed the same, very bad. The pain levels are worse since then, My energy level is worse since then, and my thoughts are not any better, I am also having to do breathing treatments each day to try and just heal my lungs from the severe allergic reaction I went through by finding I am now allergic to another antibiotic I used to be able to take, which I broke out in hives, and my lungs filled with fluid due to it. I am trying to figure out how to get my energy back, therefore hopefully making me feel somewhat better.
This week I went to the infectious disease specialist to get checked up after going septic from the bladder infection due to my paralyzed bladder, and also to try and find out why did I get worse with pain, and worse with energy. Apparently a side effect of taking antibiotics forever is also giving up your energy forever, unless I can figure out something I can take to give me energy.. I had no idea that antibiotics on a continuous basis would zap your energy. From what the doc says is that because they are constantly depleting the good bacteria, and your body is constantly trying to replenish what keeps getting killed off, well you get the idea, its a vicious cycle. I have been taking the probiotics as well, trying to help my body replace the bacteria, but it seems its just not enough and it is not working, which mentally makes me feel worse. Its like I am completely helpless to my situation.
I also went to have Xrays done as well last week and finally got a good picture of what is in my back. After surgery I was told there was one donor bone plate and four screws. Well it seems there are 3 or 4 titanium plates and 13 screws? What the hell is up with that? I guess another one of those lies I was told. I now go by the rule that anything that doctor told me is a lie and I have to verify what is really going on. It seems the more time goes on the worse it gets and the more I find out. I showed the images to my daughter and she said " Mom it looks like you have barbed wire in your back" and I have to say I agree with her. I dont understand what its all about and hopefully will find out more in the future. From what was explained to me after surgery was that they used donor bone as the plate and used four screws. So where do all the titanium plates and screws come into this? It is a very frightening site for me to see that image and wonder what it can cause to me in my future, especially after I looked up the part numbers of the plates and screws, and they say they are for the neck and upper back. Ummm all this hardware in me? Is in the bottom of my spine and it clearly states on the website for these products that they are not to be used in any load bearing area of the back, not sure about where they are on me, but it would seem the bottom of your back holds a lot of load..
I also asked my doc why do I feel so tired and they said after as sick as I got at the hospital from infection it is not uncommon for it to take up to six months to start feeling better. Really? Well let me be frank, that is complete bullshit that I have to go through that. I have a grand baby due in 8 weeks, I have a 4 year old grand daughter that already I am limited on the time I spent with her before going in the hospital, and lately has been harder, and so many other things that, even though I have tried to adjust to this damage and try to live some kind of life, is now changed again. What the hell did I do to deserve this ? Mr Dr. You know who you are, do you see what you have done to me? To my Life? Thanks a frigging lot is all I have to say to that.
Thankfully I have a strong spirit and am a fighter or I can tell you I would not be here now. Thats right, if I were any weaker then I am now I might consider other options. Thankfully for me and my family I do not believe in those thoughts, but that does not stop me from having them.
This is how I wake up in the morning, after fighting to get sleep through the pain at night. I have a perfect view out my window of the ocean, and the trees and cliffs and its a really beautiful area where I live. When I first moved in here I would wake to that view and be so thankful that I had such a great life. I felt blessed and at peace. Now I wake up to that same view, which now escapes me. I get no pleasure from it anymore. My first thought when I awaken now is not how blessed I am, but I think Ok how do I make it through today. That is all I concentrate on when I awaken. I dont look at the view, I dont think how blessed I am, I just try to figure out how to make it through the day and dread stepping out of my bed because I then know I have to start the process of survival during the daylight.
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