Way To Much To Deal With, How do we get by?

So I know I have been silent lately, as I try to wrap my brain around all that has become of me.

Its been an extremely stressful and painful time for me as of lately. My dad had surgery for his cancer
and I cannot go near him because of the risk of infection and my uncontrollable pain lately.

My Daughter ended up in the hospital last week for 3 days with preterm labor, and is now home on complete bed rest. I have been trying to help her as much as I can, but its very hard when you are in constant pain. I have so much pain and stress that I cannot sleep like a real person. Oh how I long for sleep. I am at the point now where I have forgotten how normal can be. Normal for me changed on January of 2009, and I know I will never be normal again. Its a hard place to be, to know that the pain will never go away, I will never have bodily functions again, and so much more.

It has put me in a very bad depression lately because before this happened to me. I would have been at my Dad's bedside to help him through this cancer treatment, I would be there day and night for my daughter, to help her little one stay put and be born on time. But..... I cannot be that person anymore and it kills me. It kills me mentally and physically, trying to help. Trying to be a good daughter and a good mom, as well as a good Nana. To be honest, before my life was destroyed I considered myself the best at all of those things, and now I am no more then mediocre at best. I do still plan to write here, but its gotten harder and harder.

I find when I am in these types of situations, my anger consumes me towards that doctor that did this to me. I shut myself off from my friends and family, and enclose myself in this bubble, this bubble of protection and fear. All I can hope is that somehow I can somewhat get the pain back in to some kind of control. It never goes away, but at times it becomes so unbearable that I want to die, an lately it is there, right at that pinnacle. Thankfully I have an appt. Tuesday to see my pain management, so hopefully he will have a new idea.

I am also going to try some new catheters that hopefully will lower my risk a little bit as far as infection. I have so far had to use surgical lube and apply it to them before use. Well this is just one more step that can lead to infection, and I have now been switched to ones that are already self lubed. Hopefully by cutting out one step of the process it can help. Despite being on suppressive antibiotics, I am in fear that I have another infection already. Its just crazy all the things I have to worry and live with each day. This is not the mind of normal, normal people do not have to think or live like this, and it is just getting really tiring for me.