This last week has been so hard. Physically and mentally. My daughter is getting closer to her due date and has had a few false scares and been in the hospital a couple times. She has needed my help and I am not as able as I would like to be to help her the way she needs. In that sense because of that I feel like the worst mother in the world. Not for my lack of trying to be there for her, its because I physically cant due to severe pain and bowel problems that will not calm down, and for her its just not enough.
No matter what, because of my medical issues I cannot offer as much help as I used to and that I know she needs but she does not understand this. This has led to her yelling at me about what kind of mother I have become, and how I am not there for her the way she would like. Here is the reality of the situation, because CES is mostly an invisible disability, even she does not see it fully. So I am attacked and made to feel as a failure of the role I treasure the most, being a mother and grand mother.
If my own daughter does not get it, why would most of my other people in my life? Oh she needs help today, well I better take more pain meds and push my way through so I am not a complete failure. But does anyone know this is how I do it? NO. Its so hard wanting so badly to be a good mother, and knowing, because she is telling you to your face, that you dont measure up and that she has to beg you. Yes that is another one of the things you get to live with, being told how much you used to be able to do and you used to be able to that, why cant you anymore? Then if you give an honest answer such as " Well I have severe pain, my bowels are out of control, and I am just so drained emotionally and physically from it all" Then you get " That is the excuse you always use ever since your surgery" . I hate to tell those out there that do not understand but its REALITY. Its what we live with, its who we are now. Heck I would love to be who I was before but I cannot magically make that happen. And this kills me, or at least makes me ponder the thought that it might just be an easier way to deal with it. Luckily for me and my husband, as well as my daughter, even though I think she really does not like me much anymore, its a fleeting thought.
There is nothing in this world more horrible mentally to feel that your child does not love you anymore because of what you have become, believe me it hurts and it hurts badly. It seems this surgery has destroyed my life in so many ways that if I tried to make a list, it would go on for ever. I am so exhausted of living with this, I am so exhausted of having to explain myself all the time, I am so exhausted of the constant pain, I am so exhausted of feeling like a complete failure to everyone around me that used to be able to depend on me but cant anymore. I am just so exhausted that I want to give up.
I am so thankful on a constant basis that I have my husband here to talk me down off that ledge that I am ready to go over so many times. If not for him I may have given up by now. But he is my rock and its amazing. Its amazing because he too not only lost the wife he married, but he took over all my responsibility as a wife who used to take care of him, even though at this point I dont know what he even gets out of it. I think he has gotten a really bad deal here, but for some reason he still loves me. I think that my daughter is having a very hard time continuing to love me, the way I am now. I asked my husband tonight, why does my daughter not love me anymore? What did I do to deserve this, and here is the thing. The thing is I have done nothing. I have done nothing but let a doctor destroy my life, and there for destroy my relationship I had with my daughter before all of this.
This is another thing to take into consideration before you even contemplate, letting a doctor do surgery for a tarlov cyst on you. Think of all of the lives that can be destroyed. Not only yours but all the people who are involved in your life. I guarentee you that it will not just effect you, it will effect everyone who loves you. And you may suffer the lose of that love without even seeing it coming. There will be nothing for you to do to stop it either, because as I have found. Some people cannot handle the damaged person you may become. That is why I continuosly caution to get second and third opinions, and demand to see test results on paper, to match what any surgeon tellls you to make sure he or she is being honest with those results. Make sure you life is not damaged because of lies. Not only will it damage you, but it will destroy you and it will also destroy relationships around you. Believe me I know because I am living it and it will take every ounce of strenght you can pull from the deepest parts of you, to be able to live. Just to want to live.
I know that deep down my daughter loves me, she has to because she always has, but she does not like me or who I have become, and she cannot deal with it, its just the way it is. I think some days are harder then others for her. Some days the things she says to me hurts so bad, and they are things I would have never imagined my daughter ever saying to me in my life. I truly hope she does not really mean them. She says I am not the mother I used to be, the one that was always there for her. You know what? Shes telling the truth, as that mother is gone. All that is left is me, this damaged person that tries each day to try to find a reason to continue with this damaged life.
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