Why Cant I just Be Me

So you say you want to see anger
What this accomplishes I do not know
Oh you want me to be sad now do you
How far would you like me to go

I'm so tired of all of this judgment I get
Of how I am supposed to react
Maybe if you had to live my life
you would learn the real true facts

That you cannot just be who they want you to be
You have to learn to just be who you are
Your that person that had their life destroyed
Your that person that has been pushed to far

How strong do you think that you could be
if you had to live the life that  I live?
Could you stand to be judged on top of it all
Could you really have that much to give?

Well maybe just maybe I am not that strong
When the pain takes my life away
The tears that I get that build up inside
When my grand daughter wants me to play

Just those simple things that I used to do
That I wish I could still do hurts so bad
Thinking of the life and love that I used to know
And all the happy times that I used to have

There gone for me now and I have built a wall
So high so you cannot see whats inside
Its all I have that protects me now
And I refuse to give up that right

That right to see who I have become
Because of this misery and all of this  pain
Just picture if you live in a world like mine
A world dark and where it always rains

Think of those days when its gray outside
And all you can wish for is the sun
But the rain just keeps on coming down
And you feel like your the only one

The only one left in this dark and cold place
And you don't know how to make it change
Because you do not have that power inside yourself
To bring brightness out of that gray

With your broken body that defines who you are
The one that you fight to keep alive
And you know that you'll live the rest of your life
in this pain and sorrow till you die

So still do you question why you cant get in
And make me who you want me to be?
Well I really don't care if it bothers you anymore
I just have to learn how to be me

Its the only thing that is keeping me alive
I keep on living by hiding my fears
Of what will happen to me one of these days
That day I run out of my tears

So I try to use them very sparingly
When I'm alone and by myself
So you cant see how much pain it is
I have to put them up on a shelf

A shelf so high that only I can reach
That is hidden very deep inside of me
I have to keep them away from those I can hurt
Because if they get away then everyone will see

That in truth I am not this strong person they want
But I am so very empty and weak
They will find I cant be who they want me to be
And it could be the end of me

So please just let me be who I am
And accept me for who I am inside
because unfortunately on that January day
I had to learn to live a new life

I need to me to survive, and each day I may change
But I am just me............. that's all. I am me and I am still here,
and to me that is an accomplishment.

Update of my surgery

Well its been a couple weeks since my surgery and thinks are ok at this point. It was very difficult at first, but I am adjusting. Its hard to adjust to having a tube sticking out of your belly and that is the only way to empty your bladder, but I am adjusting to it and learning new tricks on how to accomplish things. I still have a very hard time coming to terms with it all.

I should not have to live this way, and had I had the truth to begin with  I would not have to, because I would still be fully functional, the way I was before that doctor destroyed who I was with his lies. I have had so many appts. lately that I am exhausted and have been very quite. I just have all of these thoughts in my mind that are very hard to get out. I dont want people to know what I think because that is the only private thing I have left that works, is my brain.

When I was a child and I had the worst parents in the world, I swore I would be the best mother in the world, and I think I accomplished that. My daughter was my main priority and no one came before her. As she grew I was so proud of what I had accomplished. As she matured into a woman I swore I would be the best  grand mother any grand babies could have, and I was. I took my grand daughter to the park, the nature center, the ocean mammal center, anywhere we could have fun and I could teach her things that were important. Like being kind and helping where you could, to love all of life and never take it for granted. Then I met the doctor that took that all away from him giving me false test results. He has changed me in ways I thought no one could ever change me. I was one of the most trusting people you would ever meet, and now I do not trust anyone except My daughter, my Father and my Husband. I know there are those that do deserve my trust, but I just cannot go there anymore. I found out what blind trust can do to to you, it can destroy you.

I am now not that grand mother I swore I would be. Every time I see my grand babies and my oldest who is four asks to sleep over, and each time I have to tell her no, it kills just a little bit more of me inside. I hate it and it tears my heart apart. I want those days back that I used to have with her. I want the happiness I had before Jan 09, I want who I was back but I know I will never get it. Its like I am living someone elses life, and I cannot switch back no matter how hard I try. I am just so tired. I am so tired of not being who I was and it makes me very depressed. I get to the point where I close out everyone and dont talk to anyone, even my own husband. I also know that I take a lot of my anger out on him and this is wrong because no one could have a better husband. He is there for me 24 hours a day no matter how mean I am to him. He understands that it is not the real me that is doing this, but the one I have become.

The only thing that keeps me going is hoping and praying that even though I have to live this life in this way, that one day I can become a kinder person, the type I was before all of this.

My surgery so far has gone ok. I have had to have one course of antibiotics for a week after the surgery, which was on Jan 25th, but we will see if it helps with the infections in the future. They sent out a culture yesterday from my check up appt., and I am hoping with all I am that it comes back negative. I want to know that this surgery was worth it. The incision site is healing well and the leaking around the catheter has stopped, so that is a big accomplishment, Who would have ever thought I would even talk of such things, but here I am, this is me and my life now. The one thing that wont change and I know this, is the amount of time and the type of activity I can do with my grand daughters. I know I will forever be changed in that way and its hard, and it makes me angry. I just hope the doctors can control the infections now, and I hope that this does not damage my kidneys or give me bladder cancer from having this done, but it was a dicision I had to make and it seemed the most optimistic of those available to me.

I am still on the same meds, and its still confusing to make sure I take them all, just to control all the pain and disfunction I live with now that I am damaged goods, but I do my best and hopefully it will keep me here to love my family.