Well its been a couple weeks since my surgery and thinks are ok at this point. It was very difficult at first, but I am adjusting. Its hard to adjust to having a tube sticking out of your belly and that is the only way to empty your bladder, but I am adjusting to it and learning new tricks on how to accomplish things. I still have a very hard time coming to terms with it all.
I should not have to live this way, and had I had the truth to begin with I would not have to, because I would still be fully functional, the way I was before that doctor destroyed who I was with his lies. I have had so many appts. lately that I am exhausted and have been very quite. I just have all of these thoughts in my mind that are very hard to get out. I dont want people to know what I think because that is the only private thing I have left that works, is my brain.
When I was a child and I had the worst parents in the world, I swore I would be the best mother in the world, and I think I accomplished that. My daughter was my main priority and no one came before her. As she grew I was so proud of what I had accomplished. As she matured into a woman I swore I would be the best grand mother any grand babies could have, and I was. I took my grand daughter to the park, the nature center, the ocean mammal center, anywhere we could have fun and I could teach her things that were important. Like being kind and helping where you could, to love all of life and never take it for granted. Then I met the doctor that took that all away from him giving me false test results. He has changed me in ways I thought no one could ever change me. I was one of the most trusting people you would ever meet, and now I do not trust anyone except My daughter, my Father and my Husband. I know there are those that do deserve my trust, but I just cannot go there anymore. I found out what blind trust can do to to you, it can destroy you.
I am now not that grand mother I swore I would be. Every time I see my grand babies and my oldest who is four asks to sleep over, and each time I have to tell her no, it kills just a little bit more of me inside. I hate it and it tears my heart apart. I want those days back that I used to have with her. I want the happiness I had before Jan 09, I want who I was back but I know I will never get it. Its like I am living someone elses life, and I cannot switch back no matter how hard I try. I am just so tired. I am so tired of not being who I was and it makes me very depressed. I get to the point where I close out everyone and dont talk to anyone, even my own husband. I also know that I take a lot of my anger out on him and this is wrong because no one could have a better husband. He is there for me 24 hours a day no matter how mean I am to him. He understands that it is not the real me that is doing this, but the one I have become.
The only thing that keeps me going is hoping and praying that even though I have to live this life in this way, that one day I can become a kinder person, the type I was before all of this.
My surgery so far has gone ok. I have had to have one course of antibiotics for a week after the surgery, which was on Jan 25th, but we will see if it helps with the infections in the future. They sent out a culture yesterday from my check up appt., and I am hoping with all I am that it comes back negative. I want to know that this surgery was worth it. The incision site is healing well and the leaking around the catheter has stopped, so that is a big accomplishment, Who would have ever thought I would even talk of such things, but here I am, this is me and my life now. The one thing that wont change and I know this, is the amount of time and the type of activity I can do with my grand daughters. I know I will forever be changed in that way and its hard, and it makes me angry. I just hope the doctors can control the infections now, and I hope that this does not damage my kidneys or give me bladder cancer from having this done, but it was a dicision I had to make and it seemed the most optimistic of those available to me.
I am still on the same meds, and its still confusing to make sure I take them all, just to control all the pain and disfunction I live with now that I am damaged goods, but I do my best and hopefully it will keep me here to love my family.
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