So So Tired Of It All

I am so tired of all I am going through and I wonder how I keep living. Sometimes it just does not seem worth it, having to live in this body that I hate now, Thanks to the Doctor who did this to me (although I do not think he should be allowed around anyone doing surgery on them) Its just a title he has as far as I am concerned although I do not think he deserves that kind of respect..

Tuesday I had surgery to have the suprapubic catheter put in because basically my options are running out for infections and I am hoping this will help stop them by moving the catheter out of the area where we have the most bacteria. I am not dealing with this well at all. I have a ton of pain  in my stomach from it, and it is leaking everywhere. I am so frustrated that I have to put a ton of guaze on it every two hours as it only takes that long to saturate the dressings as well as the diapers I am now wearing 24/7. I fricking hate my life right now and the fact that in reality even though those that  are so close to me, like my husband does not really know how hard it is to live with.

I was sitting trying to change all the bandages, while holding the catheter tube as well, and my husband was on the sideline micromanaging and then yelling at me because I was dripping  from the tube on the toilet seat. I hate to sound like I am not appreciative but REALLY????? I had already got urine spilled down my arm and all over my hand and was trying to clean that off first, I was fully aware that the stupid thing was dripping. Its nice he can sit and yell in the door way yet never lift a finger to help me clean it up!!!!!!! I know he is probably just as frustrated, well maybe not in the same way, but he is now living with a crazy person. One that has a hard time even trying to figure out why I keep living. I am sooo ready to just give up, but I know I wont, because that is not my nature, I am a fighter and I will continue to fight whether I want to or not, because that is just who I am.

This morning for instance, I was supposed to go have an independent  medical exam done, and getting ready all I hear is  my husband yelling at the cats. Guess what? Hes not mad at the cats, but he wont yell at me (well until he just cant handle anymore, when it gets to overwhelming then he yells) So I told him to quit taking it out on the cats, its not their fault my life has been ruined. So finally we leave the house, take two hours to drive through rush hour traffic to get to the hospital near downtown Los Angeles which hurt like hell because of my surgery only three days earlier, and we come to the address only to find it is an old closed down hospital? What is up with that? So we go to the new hospital, then we find the neurology floor and go up. Find what we think is the right place and ask the front desk person, who informs us that the doctor we were supposed to see does do rounds at that hospital but he does not work there as his primary hospital, that he actually works for University hospital. Well the lady was nice enough to call him and when I got on the phone with him, he had no idea who I was and had no appt. scheduled for me. WHAT? Are you kidding me? After all we went through to get down there and to do as we are asked this is what happens? I have papers with the doctors name and address (which was wrong) along with the proof of service. It said it was from the superior court, so I had assumed they had filed it.  Is this some kind of game for those attorneys or what, because I did not find it funny in the least bit. Just jumping through another hoop adding insult to injury. I guess thats the way they do business. Apparently putting me through more pain by making me do these things does not even enter their minds, thanks alot I really appreciate how humane you all are !!!!! AS if my life being destroyed was not enough  I have to go through this kind of stuff too. Thanks again.

I am so done and over all of this but you know what?  My body does not know this so it keeps living, keeps going to doctors, keeps trying to live and fight, keeps trying to not have pain by taking medicine after medicine just so it can keep trying!!!!!! All I can say is I am exhausted, I am so exhausted its hard to think, its hard to be nice, its hard to have hope, its hard to dream because all of those things take energy and good thoughts that I just dont have. I had thought I would learn to deal with it by now as its been over two years, but let me tell you, the anger never goes away, the pain never goes away. That doctor needs to think what he is doing to someones life before he lies about test results to get them to do surgery, just because, well I dont know why he does it, but my question for him would be, is it worth it? How do you sleep at night? I am sure it is better then me.