I know that the last few posts of mine have been Erratic and I want to explain more in depth from my heart. I have avoided opening it up for you to see because it just hurts to much. Its bad enough living with it inside myself without letting it out for you to see.
I have a very hard time adjusting to this new life, even though its been two years. The reason for this is that I still remember who I used to be. I was a very mild person, very easy going and loved all those that were around me. This is where my true heart is going to come out. I had so many friends that enjoyed planning outings and fun things to do. Going on fun vacations and enjoying life to its fullest. I cannot do this anymore no matter how hard I try and that is what makes it so hard and breaks me heart each and every day.
Yes I was abused as a child and it taught me all the things I did not want to be as an adult. Because I had bad parents, I worked hard to be the best parent in the world. Because I suffered such abuse I swore my daughter would never suffer such pain as I did, I never even spanked my daughter a day in her life. When she did something wrong, instead of punishment I used positive reinforcement. You might realize that in past posts that I refer to not being able to be there for my dad as he has suffered through so much cancer and heart problems, yet I say no good things about my mother. The reason for this is that as an adult my father came to me, he acknowledged the pain he had inflicted on me while breaking down in tears. He apologized and asked for me forgiveness. I forgave him because he had become a changed man. I understood when he explained that it was difficult living with a person such as my mother, and I understand. I understand because I was in and out of foster homes as a child due to the care I received from my mother. I can only imagine what the pain was like being married to someone who hated their children. Because he apologized, I forgave him and built a new relationship with him. We decided to let the past stay in the past and start new. I found he could be a good man, once he put his heart into it, so that is why you will see the change in my attitude, knowing what he did to me as a child.
My mother on the other hand has been nothing but cruel. She will not own up to her mistakes or even admit they were there. There were times she was so out of it on drugs when I was a small child I called an ambulance thinking she was dead. I remember this so clearly and I was only five or six at the time, it was one of the most frightening things I had ever experienced. I remember going to see her in the hospital and her telling us kids she tried to kill herself because she would rather be dead then to have us children. For this I cannot forgive, because how can you forgive something that is not even acknowledged in her mind. Unfortunately because the protection of herself means more to her then her children and that is very sad. Therefore I do not speak with her and have not for quite some time. I have given her chances over the years, but over and over she makes excuses and never takes the blame for her part in what has happened to me. I realized I was better off without having any relationship at all with her because it was completely toxic to me, and those are the things in my life I had gotten rid of. I only surrounded myself with positive things and she was not to be one of them.
Before January 5th 2009, I was the best person I could be, I had so much pride in what I had accomplished in life, and I hate what this doctor has done to me, the person he has changed me into. I had spent 27 years being the best loving parent I could be. I did this by raising my daughter in the exact opposite of everything my parents did. She is beautiful and has two beautiful children. She is the mother I wish I had when I was a child and I am proud of that. What I am not proud of is that I let a doctor convince me into a surgery that was not only not successful, but changed who I am inside. It changed me from that loving mother I was to her, all because he lied and gave me test results that were not true. Had I known the real results (which took me nine months to get after I got out of that hospital). It was for his own gain and he never considered what it would do to me as a person. The person I was. He took me away inside.
I have gone from a person that people loved to be around and I loved being around them, a person that was up for any adventure, a person that showered my family with love and a good home life as well as the person that would do goofy stuff such as rollerskate in my pajamas around the house while cleaning, that was who I was. So yes I do get frustrated and angry. I long for that person I was before that day and wish I could get her back and that is what destroys me. I know she is gone and no matter how hard I try I cannot get her back. I cannot make the pain go away, I cannot get my bodily functions back, I cannot sleep for thinking of all that I have lost because I can and will no longer be healthy like I was. One of my current doctors asked me why I do not show anger and the truth of the matter is, is that I am Angry, I am frustrated, I am at the end of my rope and, I am sad for all I have lost., for all I worked all those years building that was just taken away from me. I am angry that as I live like this he goes on living a normal life, as I am sure I do not even enter his mind because that is the kind of man he is. I Know this because I have contact with another girl that he did the same exact thing to shortly after he did this to me.. That in itself made those emotions even worse. It would be one thing if he did it once and learned how wrong he was, but he didnt learn and he continued on like I did not even matter. I guess while I was in the hospital for almost two weeks and he did not come to check on me or run any tests to see what went wrong, should have taught me that, but it was confirmed when I found he did the same exact thing again.
So yes my emotions and reactions are all over the place all the time, because the biggest loss to me was losing myself because of him, and I just dont really know how to handle that. I dont know if I ever will and this will be my life.
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