So things have been very rough for me lately, and I have felt very closed off from life.
Its like the saying goes quoted from Carlos:
"You never know how strong you are, until being strong is your only choice you have"
I have had a marathon of Doctors appts. lately, and its wearing me out. My pain has been horrible lately as well as my stress. Since that last post I made about my past and the way I deal with anger, I have really been
very bothered by it. It made me think about a lot of things I had put away and thought I had dealt with, yet there they are again, sitting in my brain, making me remember. I hate that if I am not breaking down in front of people, or complaining about what I have to live with, then I am not acting in the right manner that people think I should with the injuries I have now since that surgery in 2009. I am the one that has to live with this, and I have to learn to live with it in my own way. It took me over a year to be able to sit and talk to people without breaking down, and I think I am doing pretty good with controlling my anger, as that was not so true in the beginning of learning to live this way.
If these same people could live with me 24 hours a day they may see things in a different manner. When I go and have to see someone or talk to someone at an appt. or something, even just visiting a friend, I put my brave face on, put my wall up, and try to be normal in their eyes. I dont want to be different or looked at with pity. Well big announcement, I am not normal, I do not live a normal life and I will never be normal again, and I have to deal with it in my own way. If I cant do that and at least have control of that, I would probably not be here now and that is very honest. People have no idea how many times I get so angry and frustrated with all these things I have to live with I just want to give up, because at times it just does not seem worth it. It pisses me off. It depresses me. I go inside myself and have a hard time coming back. IT IS NOT NORMAL TO HAVE TO STICK TUBES IN YOU TO EMPTY YOUR BLADDER, IT IS NOT NORMAL TO HAVE NERVE AND MUSCLE PAIN MOST OF THE TIME, IT IS NOT NORMAL TO HAVE TO MANUALLY EMPTY BOWELS MANUALLY WITH GLOVED HANDS, IT IS NOT NORMAL TO NOT BE ABLE TO FEEL YOUR HUSBANDS TOUCH, OR TO EVEN FEEL THE COUCH UNDER YOUR ASS BECAUSE YOU ARE NUMB. Do people think I do not know this just because I seem polite and put a smile on my face when I see them? I live with it daily and believe me, its hard enough to live with, let alone having to show you my pain, humiliation and loneliness.
I am so tired and exhausted from going from doctor to doctor, just so my body can function, I wish I was the way I was before that damned surgery that ruined me. I have to make do the best I can to try to go on and make my family as comfortable as I can, which is not very comfortable since everything that is done has to be planned around me and my injuries. I think about who I was all the time before January of 2009, and I am so different it just makes me angry. I was normal like anyone else. I went to the bathroom like anyone else, I had a normal social life like anyone else. But I dont anymore and no matter how angry I get, or how hostile I act, It would not change a thing now, I have still lost all these things and it wont bring them back. I cannot go back and reverse the lies that were told to me, or the surgery he did that destroyed me. I have to go on, and live as long as I can, which quite honestly I question at times, will this take many years away from me?
When I lie in bed at night, when its quiet and dark, it is the time I feel the most like what I feel inside. But it makes me think of all of these things. It makes me think of what I would be doing right now if not for that damage that was done to me. It makes me think of all my anger, it makes me cry, it makes me think of my lost future, or how I lost my business I was just building. But I hide it and keep it all in. I dont want to let it out and show I am weak because I cannot let weakness overtake me, I would never survive that way. I have lost so much over this and the loses just keep coming and I keep dealing with them. Its like being on auto pilot most of the time where I have no happiness, because that is not something I even have time to think about, you just get to a point where you just stop feeling emotions at all, because if you do it will destroy you even worse. I am so busy thinking and trying to remember all my doctors appts. and where and when, and if I have an infection or not, and how its effecting everyone around me, that I dont have time to think of being happy. I am not happy and dont know if I ever will be again. I hope to be one day but for now I am not
When I get to spend the occasional time with my daughter and my grand daughters, they can get a laugh out of me, and make me forget for maybe a few minutes, but that is about the extent of my happiness and I am so thankful for that, but those times seem to keep getting fewer and further between because it seems that I am spending more and more time at the doctors. I see my doctors more then I see them and that is sad. I wish I could still spend as much time as I used to with my family, but its just not possible with everything else that goes on. I am hoping once I get the suprapubic catheter surgery, it will help with at least the infections and that will hopefully give me a little more hope of having more energy and time away from doctors and with my family. I will just have to wait and find out. It could get better or it could get worse. I have no idea what my future holds and that is the worst part of all of this.
Is My Future Before Me Or Behind Me?
I keep looking for my future
It seems so hard to find
Will it bring me happiness
Or will it take my mind
Will my body keep defying me
Only bringing me sorrow
Or Will it let me find a way
To find just a few bright tomorrows
I have no idea what my future holds
As it hides it truths from me
It hides the answers that I seek
And keeps it a mystery
Its like living in this empty place
where there are no answers there
I do not know where I will go
If its something I can bare
Will I have the strength that I might need
To put it in that box
You know the one where my emotions go
In that box that has a lock
I live each day and try to hope
For something better than this life
The one I live each day right now
That is filled with pain and strife
The future I thought that I would have
Is gone and I am lost
One man thought that it had no worth
I was not worth the cost
The cost that I have paid to live
In this sorrow and this pain
How dare he not consider me
To think he was so vain
He thought he was worth more than me
My future that I had ahead
The pleasure that I used to know
Lives only in my head
For now I am lost and so unsure
Of what lies ahead for me
Is the future that I used to know
Gone forever for me to see
Only time will tell, but my box with a lock is here while I wait.
No comments:
Post a Comment