Its been a while because I am lost and dont know where to start :(

Its been so long since I blogged and its been a very hard time. It seems again my fears were warranted
Just after my last blog entry I had another situation which I am still not sure exactly why it happened and
can not really get any concrete proof of why.

I was at home talking to my friend Jill on the phone for about an hour one night,  I think it was the ninth of march, and all of a sudden I started to feel very sick and went to the bathroom to have my dinner come right back up even though it was over 4 hours since I had eaten, the food was still in my stomach. From there I started getting pain in my upper right hand side, right below my rib cage. I tried taking a bath to calm it but it just got worse. I went to lay down around 10 pm and no matter how I was lying, I could not make the pain subside. I tried taking pain meds, I had tried everything. I was afraid because I had been blocked up in my bowels for almost a week, so I was very fearful that there was an impaction in my bowels. I tried like heck to go to sleep and try to make the pain go away to no avial. Finally around 3 AM when my husbands alarm went off for him to get up for work, and I had been lying there awake with severe pain that was only getting worse,  I had to tell him that something was really wrong and I needed to go to the hospital.

Now my husband knows me well, and knows that I hate going to the hospital and will do everything to avoid it so he knew it must be serious. I could not even walk down to the car myself and he had to help and get me in the car. Once I got to the ER I could not eve walk as the pain was so bad and had horrible shocking pain shooting up my spinal cord, they got me in and did a catscan, only to find that I had a ruptured appendix. I know that I have read somewhere, although I cannot remember where that sometimes in women my age, it is caused by bowel problems and chronic constipation. The doctor told me that I needed emergency surgery to remove my appendix. I told the surgeon of my current bowel problems, and that I keep myself in a somewhat constipated state so that I dont have bowel accidents in public all the time, as that is what happens if things are not firm.

She could not say this was the cause, but it is what it is. When they went in to remove my appendix, they found it was not where it should be and that it was up near my liver. They said I should only be in the hospital for a day or two but because of infection that had set in, I ended up in the hospital for five days on a ton of IV antibiotics and morphine every two hours. Ever since I have not been able to keep anything in my system and my bowels have gone so crazy from my Cauda Equina Syndrome from that spinal cord surgery in jan 09,  that I am now back in diapers 24/7 and am so afraid of all foods. I have tried eating everything from a liquid diet to solid diet and nothing is working, it just falls right out of my rectum, and the most horrible part I cannot feel it because I am completely numb down there to this day, ever since jan 09. Its like starting all over with this stuff and I am so depressed ready to give up again.

I had a check up with the surgeon last Thursday or Friday, sorry cannot remember the exact day, as I go to doctors so often that its hard to remember all the dates, for instance next week I have doctors appts. on 3 out of 5 days, so I am sure its not hard to understand why I have a hard time remembering the dates. Anyways on my appt. date I asked the surgeon, since it had been two weeks since my surgery that shouldn't my system be getting back to normal. She said that this has nothing to do with the surgery, these problems with my bowels, but that just the surgery itself has irritated my spinal cord injury, so she has no idea if or ever I will get any kind of system down again with my bowels and having accidents. Right now I can barely leave my house, in fact I can tell you that I have only left my house 3 times since the surgery because of my fear of a public accident of being covered in feces. I have already lost 10 pounds from this and it is getting scary. I am wondering, will I ever be able to eat normal food again? This is exactly what it was like in the beginning after my bowels got damaged from the spinal cord surgery. I do normally have to wear diapers half the week on a regular basis since that jan surgery, but to have to wear them 24/7 and the fear that goes along with it, is so mentally draining and makes me wonder why I have to live this way, just because some doctor decided I was not worth being honest with and damaged me for life. It just reinforces to me that it is for life and there is just nothing I can do to stop it, or have any quality of life.

This week I finally gave in and hired a house keeper, as I have not cleaned house since January of 2009 due to my disabilities now. My poor husband has been working 12 hours a day, and then coming home and trying to clean and do everything here too and its taking its toll on him as well. I know I should have done this sooner, but its hard to admit to myself that I will never be normal again and do normal things. So now we have an added expense of a house keeper as well, just to live in a healthy clean environment. when I think of it now I cannot believe that I have let him take on so much, but I did not want to face the facts. The fact that my life is ruined and will always be this way from what I have been told by all my doctors. They all say the same thing, that since its been over two years, I am not going to get better and I have to learn to live with it. I have always taken pride in having a clean home, and I can no longer have that pride in myself. Its just another failure to me and it hurts really badly.

So now not only am I am in diapers again 24/7, but I also now have another added expense of $200 or more to add to my already rising medical costs, just so I can live in a decent house that is not covered in dust, filled with dirty laundry and everything else that goes along with not being able to even clean, So I am sure it is understandable why I have not blogged lately as I am now again learning to live with more disappointment from this disastrous surgery that ruined my life. I also had to cancel my scope of my bowels and colon that was scheduled for the first of April because I have so much pain again throughout my lower body, bowels and bladder, nerve and muscle pain, Its all just very irritated right now and the meds are not helping me much at this point. I hate hate hate this life I have to live now.

Well thats it for now. I will update again next week I think after all my doctors appts.