As you can see, I have not blogged in a very long time. I have been having a ton of issues to deal with, and its been very exhausting and depressing for me. Sometimes when the depression sinks in, its hard to want to do anything or even make myself do it. Blogging was on the last of my list of things to make myself do.
My pain has been very severe lately, and its been a struggle for sure. I am not sleeping well, but am hoping this will improve. I did not know when I got the supra pubic catheter, that it could cause bladder and urethral spasms, but they are horrible. Picture what it would feel like having a an electric cord stuck up in there, well you get the picture. It seems they are the worst at night, and for some reason, this last catheter change has not been so great. It seems that each day I am having more and more issues and am so glad that the time for a new one is coming up soon because I think that maybe there must have been something wrong with the placement to cause this pain, or its just my bladder and everything reacting to a foreign object being in my pelvis. All I know is between those issues and the pain from my back all the way to my feet is getting overwhelming for me again.
I have also had family issues that have been difficult, such as my daughters husband suffering a grand Mal seizure and not being close enough or in good enough health to really be much of a help to her as I once would have been. This kills me inside and rips out my heart. All I ever wanted in my life the most was to be the best mother and grand mother and I am not holding up to either one of those roles since this damage that was caused to me from that surgery to my spinal cord, which again brings the depression even more. My husband also has been getting very frustrated with me and my issues and I know how hard it is for him to have lost the wife he once had. He never says it and keeps it locked up, but I can see it in his eyes. It hurts him a lot and I understand that. I just pray he sticks around as he has so far. I don't think he would ever leave, as he is a great man, one of those rare ones. He will sit and suffer along with me before he would walk out the door, but its hard knowing how much it hurts him to see me hurt so bad all the time.
We also made a change and moved to an undisclosed address due to having people that I think were parking outside my house watching it quite often. My husband left for work at 4AM and seen them there even that early. It was starting to make me feel like a prisoner in my own home. Now I am not sure who they were parked there watching, and I have no proof, but I have my suspicions, enough so to make me want to move and that is what I did. The only person that has my address is family and my attorney and it will stay that way, so I can at least suffer in peace and not feel like a bird locked in a cage. I mean seriously do they think I am going to go bungee jumping or something. The most I can do is go for walks, and I would like to ease my mind as I do so. So hopefully this will be so. I am sure by now you have all noticed there are no names here, because this blog is nameless for my own protection. I will never use any ones names to protect them as well as myself.
Anyways I just wanted to write a short blog while I had it in me because quite honestly its getting harder and harder as this injury gets worse to write about it. I am not sure when I will blog again. Probably after my next round of doctors appts. this month. Hopefully I can find out what all this electrical shooting pain increasing is all about, and maybe just maybe one out of the many doctors I have to see now will have some idea of how to get some kind of control over it, as well as try to help me get my bowels back under control as they are still not in any kind of control since my last emergency surgery. I have been guaranteed that the surgery irritated the spinal cord injury and that is what is causing that, who knows this increase in the shocking pain may also be from that. Oh well anyways I just wanted to update for those that follow my blog.
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