I keep hoping that my pain will get less, but its gotten so bad that it is even hard to sit and write on here, hence the reason why the absence. There has been so much going on personally and health wise that its hard to deal with it all.
Last time I had my supra pubic catheter change, about 2 weeks later something with really wrong. I was having bladder spasm pain in my pelvis since it was changed and I knew that something was different. I did not know what and I still do not know what caused it, but one morning I got up to empty it through the valve and nothing came out. I was confused as I was holding the tube in my hand, and all of a sudden the whole thing fell out. I totally freaked out and shoved half the tube which is around 15 inches long into the hole through my stomach into my bladder because I was freaking out, thinking of what would happen if my bladder hole closed up. I know that it can happen quickly, so I was very afraid, there for just shoving a bunch of the tube through the hole. Well I started trying to call my husband at work and on his cell phone and could not reach him. Apparently he was in a meeting at work and had his ringer off on his cell. I then tried calling my daughter since she is close enough to where I live now so she could have taken me to the urologist, but I could not reach her either. The problem for me is that because of the shocking pains I get after its changed I cannot drive, so I was in complete hysterics trying to figure out what to do. Finally my husband called me back as soon as he had seen he missed my call, and left work in an emergency to take me to the urologist to see what happened.
Well apparently the balloon they inflate inside my baldder had popped and that is what made the catheter fall out. I was very lucky as my doctor was just going out the door to go to the hospital to do surgery, so apparently it was my lucky day that I caught him just in time. So he replaced the catheter and my husband drove me home, and I was in soooo much pain from that experience. Then a couple days later I started feeling really sick to my stomach, getting fever and just plain feeling awful. Yep if you have tried to guess and you guessed I had an infection, you would be right. I thought I was doing so well as far as infection, but apparently things like this are a high risk, as I had shoved all the tube that was outside, that had bacteria on it, right into my bladder, which gave me a pretty bad infection that made me feel like crap for quite a while. I am now in fear of this happening again, as I had no idea it could happen. Its just another one of those things you learn about as you learn to try to make your life livable.
It just seems that every time I think I have found something to help me make my life a little more livable, something else pops up to let me know that there are many other things that are a risk to my health. Its hard, so very hard to learn all of this. I just wish I had never met that doctor who ruined who I was and made me learn to live this way. I keep wondering if I will ever come to terms with this and learn to live with this pain and medical problems. Its hard when you were so normal before and you have so many issues now. It would be different if I had medical issues such as these before, and I have lived with them all my life but I did not. I did not have any of this and it makes me so angry that I do now and that there is nothing I can do but go to doctors all the time to try and just live.
One positive thing since I moved is that I get to see my grand babies and my daughter more, but its kind of like a double edged sword, because I see them and want to be like I used to, and do the things I used to, but my body constantly reminds me I am not that girl, but this other one that is limited in everything I am able to do. Its been easier now that I have someone cleaning my house each week and helping me out, but its very hard to afford and I dont know how long I will be able to afford it, or I guess I should say how long my husband can afford it because I am not able to work at all.. I just know that I could see it taking its toll on my husband, who has stood by me through this all, and its not fair to him. He already lost the wife he knew, and then to have to take on all that extra work when he already works so many hours is just not fair. But its also not fair that he works to help pay for someone to help, an expense we would have never had if this had never happened. Its just all very hard, painful and depressing to deal with.
I just wish none of this would have ever happened, and I wish I would not have trusted a doctor (which by the way I never had any doubt in a doctor before, so it was just my nature to believe), then I would not have any of these problems, these problems that will last a life time, how ever long that will be because of all my bodily functions not working properly, and all these medications that I am sure will eventually take a toll on my liver and kidneys. Its just very scary of the unknown and what will happen to me. That is probably the hardest part, is not knowing where my life will go, or if I will even make it to watch my grand babies grow up. That is what causes me the most sorrow, the unknown.
The Mystery Of The Damage
The mytstery of the damage
That was brought in to my life
By that one doctor with no conscience
That damaged me with all of his knifes
I dont know what it holds for me
Or who I will become
Its Like playing Russian Roulette
But hes the one that holds the gun
He wont give me the answers
Of the damage that he did to me
So I have no idea of my life
Or what it has in store for me
Can you please just be a man who feels
And stop worrying about your career so much
Can you put your heart before the money
Can you just try to feel your patients touch
Put yourself in their shoes
Think of how they have to live
After you lay your hands on them
And the pain you so freely give
I'm Tired of pain and this horrible sentence
When you thought you could choose my fate
Unfortunately for me the damage is done
But for others it might not be to late
If you could only give them the honest truth
Instead of your lies and deciept
You could give them a chance of a normal life
And they wont have to live like me
Does it weigh on your soul at all any time
Do you regret what you have done?
I guess the answer to that would be no
Because I am not the only one
So here I am living this life that you gave
This life that you caused by your lies
So are the others that suffer and moan
And will be like that till they die.
So all I can do is sit and wait
And see what is next for me
Because you refuse to give the answers
To the answer of the mystery
The mystery of what you did never goes away
And I hate that you refuse to tell so I can cope
At least so I know what to expect in the future
That is the true horror of what you do, you give us no hope.
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