I have been having a very difficult time since my hospitalization. It has brought out this new fear in me that I never knew before. Before I was in the hospital, I knew that I had been damaged and I knew I would get infections, but I never really thought of the consequence that it could kill me. Now I have this fear that has made my reality a little too real.
I am constantly, several times a day checking my blood pressure (which is still low), my temperature (which is still slightly high) and my oxygen saturation along with heart rate. These are not normal things to check. I have never thought to check them on a regular basis, but this is now my life. You see I found that if all of these things are not right, then there is most likely something wrong. So now I live with the paranoia that one of these things will be off and I will have to run back to the hospital. I have not left my house since I got home except two small walks around my neighborhood. I know its irrational, I know it sounds crazy, but this is the new me right now, and I do not know how to except it.
So how do you conquer fear such as this? How do you go on living your life normally when there is nothing normal about it? This is a big problem for me right now and I am trying to figure it out. How to integrate this fear into something of a normal part of my life. It was not here before and I never thought it would be, but now it has to be a new part of who I am if I am to be able to live a somewhat normal life. Well that is if you can call my life normal at all.
Another Piece Taken, How Much Is Left.
Why must you keep coming and taking more of me
Why cant you go away, leaving whats left to be free?
I dont ask for much, just a small part that can be mine
To do what I want with, can we just draw a line?
Can you just leave me alone, to live in the light
Can you give me that part back, can you just do what is right?
Why must you continue to hurt me inside
Making me fear what is rightfully mine
One piece at a time, you keep sucking me dry
Will you just keep on taking and making me cry?
I hope that one day someone takes all of you
How will you live, what will you do?
When your light turns dark, when your love turns to hate
When the music turns to screams, will it all be too late?
You think you have the power to come and steal my life
What I want to know is what gives you this right?
Your just a man who holds blades of steel
Cutting and slicing, killing souls your should heal
What happens when your left and there is no one there
No more pieces to take, no more lives to steal.
You'll be all alone, just you and the parts
The pieces you have stolen that made up my heart
Do you think you can ever put them back again?
Written by me and my fear.
The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself. This statement is so very true. It's simple and yet speaks a volume in itself. I've had panic attacks. The funny thing about them, is that they feed themselves. You panic about panicking. You know that it is silly, that it is all in your mind, but that is what feeds it at the same time. It's like when you read an article that tells you that stress will kill you. What does it do? Stresses me out! Ultimately, I think it is to bring us to the realization, that we cannot control this weak little existence that we call life. One little quote from the Dune series of books (the movie as well) that I liked is this:
ReplyDeleteThe Litany Against Fear
I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
Fear is an emotion, not a reality. Sure your reality is not good and could be bad, BUT it is not yet. Fear is the probability.
Also it drives us into the arms of God: “I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears” (Psalm 34:4).