So Five Little Lives Gave Me Some Happiness Today

Well its been a bit since I blogged and it is because I am still trying to get back to feeling where I can function since I got out of the hospital. Its like my body does not want to let me feel better. I try so hard, which is super frustrating, to feel better, to make my body feel better and to make my mind feel better, but so far not much has worked.

It seems like that infection got into my body so badly that I just cannot get my energy back. I am afraid each day if this will be another day that I end up back in the hospital, which until that happened I had thought I had a handle on things somewhat. So how do you stop being afraid? Especially when its a very good reality that it will happen. I had only woken up a bit dizzy with a headache and the pain in my back that morning and within hours I was fighting for my life with infection in a hospital. Who would have thought things could go from ok to horrible is such a short time, Surely not me. But now that is a new part of who I am and what I live with. It has taught me a new lesson, to never think I am safe because I may not be.

Well I have two little rays of happiness that keep me going, the biggest being my new grand baby on the way, and my daughter being more pregnant then she has ever been. That is such a relief each day that goes by and my grand baby stays in that belly. I cannot wait to meet her. I know I wont be able to spend as much time with her as I did my first grand baby, as my body will just not allow it. But still I am very excited to meet her, and hopefully god willing, I will get the most time possible with her, loving her as no other grandma can.

The second little ray of sunshine is this. There is this little wild tabby cat that lives in my neighborhood, and 3 days before I was hospitalized, she had kittens. They were hidden somewhere in my neighborhood and for the life of me and all my neighbors we could not find them. I wanted to save them, to save some kind of life. I felt it would be somewhat fulfilling, to find them, raise them and find them loving homes. I searched high and lo and could not find those kittens anywhere. She was a very good baby hider.

Well I ended up in the hospital three days after she had them, and then when I got home, I have been so depressed because my body just does not feel better, that I had since put the kittens out of my mind. I was in no way in a position to even think of them with all that had since gone on. Well today my neighbor from two doors down found them :) There were five of them and they are about 3 weeks old. It gave me a bright spot as I could now try to save them. So I now have five baby kittens to look after and bottle feed. I hope I can save their lives, and give them a good future in good homes, instead of living in the streets and continuing the problem of feral cats. Looking at them makes me happy, being able to take care of them makes me feel happy, because I can feel good about something. I cannot fix my life or the damage of myself, or change how I have to live and the fear I have to live with, but I might, just might be able to give those kittens what I cannot give myself. What has been taken from me, a good life. That is the other bright spot.

Its amazing where before I had my own business that I ran, I babysat my grand daughter on a constant basis, I was able to do and be everything I wanted before this surgery, and now I am happy just to be able to try and look after baby kittens. I guess I have lowered my standards on what can make me happy, but I have to take those little things, focus on them, as they are all I have now. I only have little things now, none of the big things I had before Jan 09 are there for me anymore. I closed my business because I could no longer work, I stopped babysitting my grand baby as the pain was too much to be able to care for her properly, and the fun things I did with family and friends, well lets just say they have learned to not even call and ask anymore because they know what the answer will be. So yes, taking care and saving kittens may help me save myself, at least mentally for now.