I am so tired of all I am going through and I wonder how I keep living. Sometimes it just does not seem worth it, having to live in this body that I hate now, Thanks to the Doctor who did this to me (although I do not think he should be allowed around anyone doing surgery on them) Its just a title he has as far as I am concerned although I do not think he deserves that kind of respect..
Tuesday I had surgery to have the suprapubic catheter put in because basically my options are running out for infections and I am hoping this will help stop them by moving the catheter out of the area where we have the most bacteria. I am not dealing with this well at all. I have a ton of pain in my stomach from it, and it is leaking everywhere. I am so frustrated that I have to put a ton of guaze on it every two hours as it only takes that long to saturate the dressings as well as the diapers I am now wearing 24/7. I fricking hate my life right now and the fact that in reality even though those that are so close to me, like my husband does not really know how hard it is to live with.
I was sitting trying to change all the bandages, while holding the catheter tube as well, and my husband was on the sideline micromanaging and then yelling at me because I was dripping from the tube on the toilet seat. I hate to sound like I am not appreciative but REALLY????? I had already got urine spilled down my arm and all over my hand and was trying to clean that off first, I was fully aware that the stupid thing was dripping. Its nice he can sit and yell in the door way yet never lift a finger to help me clean it up!!!!!!! I know he is probably just as frustrated, well maybe not in the same way, but he is now living with a crazy person. One that has a hard time even trying to figure out why I keep living. I am sooo ready to just give up, but I know I wont, because that is not my nature, I am a fighter and I will continue to fight whether I want to or not, because that is just who I am.
This morning for instance, I was supposed to go have an independent medical exam done, and getting ready all I hear is my husband yelling at the cats. Guess what? Hes not mad at the cats, but he wont yell at me (well until he just cant handle anymore, when it gets to overwhelming then he yells) So I told him to quit taking it out on the cats, its not their fault my life has been ruined. So finally we leave the house, take two hours to drive through rush hour traffic to get to the hospital near downtown Los Angeles which hurt like hell because of my surgery only three days earlier, and we come to the address only to find it is an old closed down hospital? What is up with that? So we go to the new hospital, then we find the neurology floor and go up. Find what we think is the right place and ask the front desk person, who informs us that the doctor we were supposed to see does do rounds at that hospital but he does not work there as his primary hospital, that he actually works for University hospital. Well the lady was nice enough to call him and when I got on the phone with him, he had no idea who I was and had no appt. scheduled for me. WHAT? Are you kidding me? After all we went through to get down there and to do as we are asked this is what happens? I have papers with the doctors name and address (which was wrong) along with the proof of service. It said it was from the superior court, so I had assumed they had filed it. Is this some kind of game for those attorneys or what, because I did not find it funny in the least bit. Just jumping through another hoop adding insult to injury. I guess thats the way they do business. Apparently putting me through more pain by making me do these things does not even enter their minds, thanks alot I really appreciate how humane you all are !!!!! AS if my life being destroyed was not enough I have to go through this kind of stuff too. Thanks again.
I am so done and over all of this but you know what? My body does not know this so it keeps living, keeps going to doctors, keeps trying to live and fight, keeps trying to not have pain by taking medicine after medicine just so it can keep trying!!!!!! All I can say is I am exhausted, I am so exhausted its hard to think, its hard to be nice, its hard to have hope, its hard to dream because all of those things take energy and good thoughts that I just dont have. I had thought I would learn to deal with it by now as its been over two years, but let me tell you, the anger never goes away, the pain never goes away. That doctor needs to think what he is doing to someones life before he lies about test results to get them to do surgery, just because, well I dont know why he does it, but my question for him would be, is it worth it? How do you sleep at night? I am sure it is better then me.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
The Erratic Thoughts of My Mind Lately
I know that the last few posts of mine have been Erratic and I want to explain more in depth from my heart. I have avoided opening it up for you to see because it just hurts to much. Its bad enough living with it inside myself without letting it out for you to see.
I have a very hard time adjusting to this new life, even though its been two years. The reason for this is that I still remember who I used to be. I was a very mild person, very easy going and loved all those that were around me. This is where my true heart is going to come out. I had so many friends that enjoyed planning outings and fun things to do. Going on fun vacations and enjoying life to its fullest. I cannot do this anymore no matter how hard I try and that is what makes it so hard and breaks me heart each and every day.
Yes I was abused as a child and it taught me all the things I did not want to be as an adult. Because I had bad parents, I worked hard to be the best parent in the world. Because I suffered such abuse I swore my daughter would never suffer such pain as I did, I never even spanked my daughter a day in her life. When she did something wrong, instead of punishment I used positive reinforcement. You might realize that in past posts that I refer to not being able to be there for my dad as he has suffered through so much cancer and heart problems, yet I say no good things about my mother. The reason for this is that as an adult my father came to me, he acknowledged the pain he had inflicted on me while breaking down in tears. He apologized and asked for me forgiveness. I forgave him because he had become a changed man. I understood when he explained that it was difficult living with a person such as my mother, and I understand. I understand because I was in and out of foster homes as a child due to the care I received from my mother. I can only imagine what the pain was like being married to someone who hated their children. Because he apologized, I forgave him and built a new relationship with him. We decided to let the past stay in the past and start new. I found he could be a good man, once he put his heart into it, so that is why you will see the change in my attitude, knowing what he did to me as a child.
My mother on the other hand has been nothing but cruel. She will not own up to her mistakes or even admit they were there. There were times she was so out of it on drugs when I was a small child I called an ambulance thinking she was dead. I remember this so clearly and I was only five or six at the time, it was one of the most frightening things I had ever experienced. I remember going to see her in the hospital and her telling us kids she tried to kill herself because she would rather be dead then to have us children. For this I cannot forgive, because how can you forgive something that is not even acknowledged in her mind. Unfortunately because the protection of herself means more to her then her children and that is very sad. Therefore I do not speak with her and have not for quite some time. I have given her chances over the years, but over and over she makes excuses and never takes the blame for her part in what has happened to me. I realized I was better off without having any relationship at all with her because it was completely toxic to me, and those are the things in my life I had gotten rid of. I only surrounded myself with positive things and she was not to be one of them.
Before January 5th 2009, I was the best person I could be, I had so much pride in what I had accomplished in life, and I hate what this doctor has done to me, the person he has changed me into. I had spent 27 years being the best loving parent I could be. I did this by raising my daughter in the exact opposite of everything my parents did. She is beautiful and has two beautiful children. She is the mother I wish I had when I was a child and I am proud of that. What I am not proud of is that I let a doctor convince me into a surgery that was not only not successful, but changed who I am inside. It changed me from that loving mother I was to her, all because he lied and gave me test results that were not true. Had I known the real results (which took me nine months to get after I got out of that hospital). It was for his own gain and he never considered what it would do to me as a person. The person I was. He took me away inside.
I have gone from a person that people loved to be around and I loved being around them, a person that was up for any adventure, a person that showered my family with love and a good home life as well as the person that would do goofy stuff such as rollerskate in my pajamas around the house while cleaning, that was who I was. So yes I do get frustrated and angry. I long for that person I was before that day and wish I could get her back and that is what destroys me. I know she is gone and no matter how hard I try I cannot get her back. I cannot make the pain go away, I cannot get my bodily functions back, I cannot sleep for thinking of all that I have lost because I can and will no longer be healthy like I was. One of my current doctors asked me why I do not show anger and the truth of the matter is, is that I am Angry, I am frustrated, I am at the end of my rope and, I am sad for all I have lost., for all I worked all those years building that was just taken away from me. I am angry that as I live like this he goes on living a normal life, as I am sure I do not even enter his mind because that is the kind of man he is. I Know this because I have contact with another girl that he did the same exact thing to shortly after he did this to me.. That in itself made those emotions even worse. It would be one thing if he did it once and learned how wrong he was, but he didnt learn and he continued on like I did not even matter. I guess while I was in the hospital for almost two weeks and he did not come to check on me or run any tests to see what went wrong, should have taught me that, but it was confirmed when I found he did the same exact thing again.
So yes my emotions and reactions are all over the place all the time, because the biggest loss to me was losing myself because of him, and I just dont really know how to handle that. I dont know if I ever will and this will be my life.
I have a very hard time adjusting to this new life, even though its been two years. The reason for this is that I still remember who I used to be. I was a very mild person, very easy going and loved all those that were around me. This is where my true heart is going to come out. I had so many friends that enjoyed planning outings and fun things to do. Going on fun vacations and enjoying life to its fullest. I cannot do this anymore no matter how hard I try and that is what makes it so hard and breaks me heart each and every day.
Yes I was abused as a child and it taught me all the things I did not want to be as an adult. Because I had bad parents, I worked hard to be the best parent in the world. Because I suffered such abuse I swore my daughter would never suffer such pain as I did, I never even spanked my daughter a day in her life. When she did something wrong, instead of punishment I used positive reinforcement. You might realize that in past posts that I refer to not being able to be there for my dad as he has suffered through so much cancer and heart problems, yet I say no good things about my mother. The reason for this is that as an adult my father came to me, he acknowledged the pain he had inflicted on me while breaking down in tears. He apologized and asked for me forgiveness. I forgave him because he had become a changed man. I understood when he explained that it was difficult living with a person such as my mother, and I understand. I understand because I was in and out of foster homes as a child due to the care I received from my mother. I can only imagine what the pain was like being married to someone who hated their children. Because he apologized, I forgave him and built a new relationship with him. We decided to let the past stay in the past and start new. I found he could be a good man, once he put his heart into it, so that is why you will see the change in my attitude, knowing what he did to me as a child.
My mother on the other hand has been nothing but cruel. She will not own up to her mistakes or even admit they were there. There were times she was so out of it on drugs when I was a small child I called an ambulance thinking she was dead. I remember this so clearly and I was only five or six at the time, it was one of the most frightening things I had ever experienced. I remember going to see her in the hospital and her telling us kids she tried to kill herself because she would rather be dead then to have us children. For this I cannot forgive, because how can you forgive something that is not even acknowledged in her mind. Unfortunately because the protection of herself means more to her then her children and that is very sad. Therefore I do not speak with her and have not for quite some time. I have given her chances over the years, but over and over she makes excuses and never takes the blame for her part in what has happened to me. I realized I was better off without having any relationship at all with her because it was completely toxic to me, and those are the things in my life I had gotten rid of. I only surrounded myself with positive things and she was not to be one of them.
Before January 5th 2009, I was the best person I could be, I had so much pride in what I had accomplished in life, and I hate what this doctor has done to me, the person he has changed me into. I had spent 27 years being the best loving parent I could be. I did this by raising my daughter in the exact opposite of everything my parents did. She is beautiful and has two beautiful children. She is the mother I wish I had when I was a child and I am proud of that. What I am not proud of is that I let a doctor convince me into a surgery that was not only not successful, but changed who I am inside. It changed me from that loving mother I was to her, all because he lied and gave me test results that were not true. Had I known the real results (which took me nine months to get after I got out of that hospital). It was for his own gain and he never considered what it would do to me as a person. The person I was. He took me away inside.
I have gone from a person that people loved to be around and I loved being around them, a person that was up for any adventure, a person that showered my family with love and a good home life as well as the person that would do goofy stuff such as rollerskate in my pajamas around the house while cleaning, that was who I was. So yes I do get frustrated and angry. I long for that person I was before that day and wish I could get her back and that is what destroys me. I know she is gone and no matter how hard I try I cannot get her back. I cannot make the pain go away, I cannot get my bodily functions back, I cannot sleep for thinking of all that I have lost because I can and will no longer be healthy like I was. One of my current doctors asked me why I do not show anger and the truth of the matter is, is that I am Angry, I am frustrated, I am at the end of my rope and, I am sad for all I have lost., for all I worked all those years building that was just taken away from me. I am angry that as I live like this he goes on living a normal life, as I am sure I do not even enter his mind because that is the kind of man he is. I Know this because I have contact with another girl that he did the same exact thing to shortly after he did this to me.. That in itself made those emotions even worse. It would be one thing if he did it once and learned how wrong he was, but he didnt learn and he continued on like I did not even matter. I guess while I was in the hospital for almost two weeks and he did not come to check on me or run any tests to see what went wrong, should have taught me that, but it was confirmed when I found he did the same exact thing again.
So yes my emotions and reactions are all over the place all the time, because the biggest loss to me was losing myself because of him, and I just dont really know how to handle that. I dont know if I ever will and this will be my life.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
So Confused and Bothered On How To Live This Life
So things have been very rough for me lately, and I have felt very closed off from life.
Its like the saying goes quoted from Carlos:
"You never know how strong you are, until being strong is your only choice you have"
I have had a marathon of Doctors appts. lately, and its wearing me out. My pain has been horrible lately as well as my stress. Since that last post I made about my past and the way I deal with anger, I have really been
very bothered by it. It made me think about a lot of things I had put away and thought I had dealt with, yet there they are again, sitting in my brain, making me remember. I hate that if I am not breaking down in front of people, or complaining about what I have to live with, then I am not acting in the right manner that people think I should with the injuries I have now since that surgery in 2009. I am the one that has to live with this, and I have to learn to live with it in my own way. It took me over a year to be able to sit and talk to people without breaking down, and I think I am doing pretty good with controlling my anger, as that was not so true in the beginning of learning to live this way.
If these same people could live with me 24 hours a day they may see things in a different manner. When I go and have to see someone or talk to someone at an appt. or something, even just visiting a friend, I put my brave face on, put my wall up, and try to be normal in their eyes. I dont want to be different or looked at with pity. Well big announcement, I am not normal, I do not live a normal life and I will never be normal again, and I have to deal with it in my own way. If I cant do that and at least have control of that, I would probably not be here now and that is very honest. People have no idea how many times I get so angry and frustrated with all these things I have to live with I just want to give up, because at times it just does not seem worth it. It pisses me off. It depresses me. I go inside myself and have a hard time coming back. IT IS NOT NORMAL TO HAVE TO STICK TUBES IN YOU TO EMPTY YOUR BLADDER, IT IS NOT NORMAL TO HAVE NERVE AND MUSCLE PAIN MOST OF THE TIME, IT IS NOT NORMAL TO HAVE TO MANUALLY EMPTY BOWELS MANUALLY WITH GLOVED HANDS, IT IS NOT NORMAL TO NOT BE ABLE TO FEEL YOUR HUSBANDS TOUCH, OR TO EVEN FEEL THE COUCH UNDER YOUR ASS BECAUSE YOU ARE NUMB. Do people think I do not know this just because I seem polite and put a smile on my face when I see them? I live with it daily and believe me, its hard enough to live with, let alone having to show you my pain, humiliation and loneliness.
I am so tired and exhausted from going from doctor to doctor, just so my body can function, I wish I was the way I was before that damned surgery that ruined me. I have to make do the best I can to try to go on and make my family as comfortable as I can, which is not very comfortable since everything that is done has to be planned around me and my injuries. I think about who I was all the time before January of 2009, and I am so different it just makes me angry. I was normal like anyone else. I went to the bathroom like anyone else, I had a normal social life like anyone else. But I dont anymore and no matter how angry I get, or how hostile I act, It would not change a thing now, I have still lost all these things and it wont bring them back. I cannot go back and reverse the lies that were told to me, or the surgery he did that destroyed me. I have to go on, and live as long as I can, which quite honestly I question at times, will this take many years away from me?
When I lie in bed at night, when its quiet and dark, it is the time I feel the most like what I feel inside. But it makes me think of all of these things. It makes me think of what I would be doing right now if not for that damage that was done to me. It makes me think of all my anger, it makes me cry, it makes me think of my lost future, or how I lost my business I was just building. But I hide it and keep it all in. I dont want to let it out and show I am weak because I cannot let weakness overtake me, I would never survive that way. I have lost so much over this and the loses just keep coming and I keep dealing with them. Its like being on auto pilot most of the time where I have no happiness, because that is not something I even have time to think about, you just get to a point where you just stop feeling emotions at all, because if you do it will destroy you even worse. I am so busy thinking and trying to remember all my doctors appts. and where and when, and if I have an infection or not, and how its effecting everyone around me, that I dont have time to think of being happy. I am not happy and dont know if I ever will be again. I hope to be one day but for now I am not
When I get to spend the occasional time with my daughter and my grand daughters, they can get a laugh out of me, and make me forget for maybe a few minutes, but that is about the extent of my happiness and I am so thankful for that, but those times seem to keep getting fewer and further between because it seems that I am spending more and more time at the doctors. I see my doctors more then I see them and that is sad. I wish I could still spend as much time as I used to with my family, but its just not possible with everything else that goes on. I am hoping once I get the suprapubic catheter surgery, it will help with at least the infections and that will hopefully give me a little more hope of having more energy and time away from doctors and with my family. I will just have to wait and find out. It could get better or it could get worse. I have no idea what my future holds and that is the worst part of all of this.
Is My Future Before Me Or Behind Me?
I keep looking for my future
It seems so hard to find
Will it bring me happiness
Or will it take my mind
Will my body keep defying me
Only bringing me sorrow
Or Will it let me find a way
To find just a few bright tomorrows
I have no idea what my future holds
As it hides it truths from me
It hides the answers that I seek
And keeps it a mystery
Its like living in this empty place
where there are no answers there
I do not know where I will go
If its something I can bare
Will I have the strength that I might need
To put it in that box
You know the one where my emotions go
In that box that has a lock
I live each day and try to hope
For something better than this life
The one I live each day right now
That is filled with pain and strife
The future I thought that I would have
Is gone and I am lost
One man thought that it had no worth
I was not worth the cost
The cost that I have paid to live
In this sorrow and this pain
How dare he not consider me
To think he was so vain
He thought he was worth more than me
My future that I had ahead
The pleasure that I used to know
Lives only in my head
For now I am lost and so unsure
Of what lies ahead for me
Is the future that I used to know
Gone forever for me to see
Only time will tell, but my box with a lock is here while I wait.
Its like the saying goes quoted from Carlos:
"You never know how strong you are, until being strong is your only choice you have"
I have had a marathon of Doctors appts. lately, and its wearing me out. My pain has been horrible lately as well as my stress. Since that last post I made about my past and the way I deal with anger, I have really been
very bothered by it. It made me think about a lot of things I had put away and thought I had dealt with, yet there they are again, sitting in my brain, making me remember. I hate that if I am not breaking down in front of people, or complaining about what I have to live with, then I am not acting in the right manner that people think I should with the injuries I have now since that surgery in 2009. I am the one that has to live with this, and I have to learn to live with it in my own way. It took me over a year to be able to sit and talk to people without breaking down, and I think I am doing pretty good with controlling my anger, as that was not so true in the beginning of learning to live this way.
If these same people could live with me 24 hours a day they may see things in a different manner. When I go and have to see someone or talk to someone at an appt. or something, even just visiting a friend, I put my brave face on, put my wall up, and try to be normal in their eyes. I dont want to be different or looked at with pity. Well big announcement, I am not normal, I do not live a normal life and I will never be normal again, and I have to deal with it in my own way. If I cant do that and at least have control of that, I would probably not be here now and that is very honest. People have no idea how many times I get so angry and frustrated with all these things I have to live with I just want to give up, because at times it just does not seem worth it. It pisses me off. It depresses me. I go inside myself and have a hard time coming back. IT IS NOT NORMAL TO HAVE TO STICK TUBES IN YOU TO EMPTY YOUR BLADDER, IT IS NOT NORMAL TO HAVE NERVE AND MUSCLE PAIN MOST OF THE TIME, IT IS NOT NORMAL TO HAVE TO MANUALLY EMPTY BOWELS MANUALLY WITH GLOVED HANDS, IT IS NOT NORMAL TO NOT BE ABLE TO FEEL YOUR HUSBANDS TOUCH, OR TO EVEN FEEL THE COUCH UNDER YOUR ASS BECAUSE YOU ARE NUMB. Do people think I do not know this just because I seem polite and put a smile on my face when I see them? I live with it daily and believe me, its hard enough to live with, let alone having to show you my pain, humiliation and loneliness.
I am so tired and exhausted from going from doctor to doctor, just so my body can function, I wish I was the way I was before that damned surgery that ruined me. I have to make do the best I can to try to go on and make my family as comfortable as I can, which is not very comfortable since everything that is done has to be planned around me and my injuries. I think about who I was all the time before January of 2009, and I am so different it just makes me angry. I was normal like anyone else. I went to the bathroom like anyone else, I had a normal social life like anyone else. But I dont anymore and no matter how angry I get, or how hostile I act, It would not change a thing now, I have still lost all these things and it wont bring them back. I cannot go back and reverse the lies that were told to me, or the surgery he did that destroyed me. I have to go on, and live as long as I can, which quite honestly I question at times, will this take many years away from me?
When I lie in bed at night, when its quiet and dark, it is the time I feel the most like what I feel inside. But it makes me think of all of these things. It makes me think of what I would be doing right now if not for that damage that was done to me. It makes me think of all my anger, it makes me cry, it makes me think of my lost future, or how I lost my business I was just building. But I hide it and keep it all in. I dont want to let it out and show I am weak because I cannot let weakness overtake me, I would never survive that way. I have lost so much over this and the loses just keep coming and I keep dealing with them. Its like being on auto pilot most of the time where I have no happiness, because that is not something I even have time to think about, you just get to a point where you just stop feeling emotions at all, because if you do it will destroy you even worse. I am so busy thinking and trying to remember all my doctors appts. and where and when, and if I have an infection or not, and how its effecting everyone around me, that I dont have time to think of being happy. I am not happy and dont know if I ever will be again. I hope to be one day but for now I am not
When I get to spend the occasional time with my daughter and my grand daughters, they can get a laugh out of me, and make me forget for maybe a few minutes, but that is about the extent of my happiness and I am so thankful for that, but those times seem to keep getting fewer and further between because it seems that I am spending more and more time at the doctors. I see my doctors more then I see them and that is sad. I wish I could still spend as much time as I used to with my family, but its just not possible with everything else that goes on. I am hoping once I get the suprapubic catheter surgery, it will help with at least the infections and that will hopefully give me a little more hope of having more energy and time away from doctors and with my family. I will just have to wait and find out. It could get better or it could get worse. I have no idea what my future holds and that is the worst part of all of this.
Is My Future Before Me Or Behind Me?
I keep looking for my future
It seems so hard to find
Will it bring me happiness
Or will it take my mind
Will my body keep defying me
Only bringing me sorrow
Or Will it let me find a way
To find just a few bright tomorrows
I have no idea what my future holds
As it hides it truths from me
It hides the answers that I seek
And keeps it a mystery
Its like living in this empty place
where there are no answers there
I do not know where I will go
If its something I can bare
Will I have the strength that I might need
To put it in that box
You know the one where my emotions go
In that box that has a lock
I live each day and try to hope
For something better than this life
The one I live each day right now
That is filled with pain and strife
The future I thought that I would have
Is gone and I am lost
One man thought that it had no worth
I was not worth the cost
The cost that I have paid to live
In this sorrow and this pain
How dare he not consider me
To think he was so vain
He thought he was worth more than me
My future that I had ahead
The pleasure that I used to know
Lives only in my head
For now I am lost and so unsure
Of what lies ahead for me
Is the future that I used to know
Gone forever for me to see
Only time will tell, but my box with a lock is here while I wait.
Friday, January 14, 2011
CES and How I Deal With The Anger Of It (Warning, might be too much info)
The other day at a doctors appt. I was asked by my doctor, why I dont show more anger, he said I should be more angry. What he does not realize is that I am extremely angry, so angry at times its hard to function. It took me a few days of contemplation on this, and a lot of thought to be able to answer this to myself. The thing is that I am full of anger, and for over a year after my surgery in January 2009 I could not go a day without breaking down and crying and losing control. Crying because of being angry that someone took my life in their hands and made me live this way just to further themselves with their lies. Crying because of the pain and humiliation I now had to live with, Crying because I now had to live a new kind of life that is just not fair. Its not fair to those around me to have to deal with, and therefore making them angry and hurt as well.
I have always had this theory and my answer to this question of anger is going to blow my theory right out of the water, this theory that I have stated time and time again over the years. I have always said that if you have abusive parents and you are a child that the parents are at fault for either allowing or causing this, but once you become an adult, you are responsible for your own decisions and your own life. Now this is where my theory gets blown out of the water. I realized after much thought, that I am handling the anger the same way I learned to handle anger as a child. This post is going to get very personal, as I really need to explain my past to explain my present. It is the only way it will make sense to anyone, because my doctor made me realize that I am the only one that does not see what others do. I just assume that they would understand that I am just dealing with it in my own way. I will be telling of things that I never thought I would put out there, things I have kept to myself inside my whole life. So I guess here it goes, and it might be a long read and at times hard for you to read, but I think it will explain my reaction to anger and make it a little clearer for those that do not understand, when they talk to me why they do not normally see the strong anger I have, I might seem somewhat normal to them.
I guess this is where I go back to the beginning :) I was the youngest of six children and had probably two of the worst parents in the world. I was physically abused over and over, year after year. My dad used to have this thing that he used to beat us with that was made up of 7 flat rubber straps duck taped together. I can only explain it as like a flogger. To make it hurt worse he actually put holes all through it so the rough edges would make the pain worse. This was used on a normal basis on us kids, for the slightest thing we might do wrong, or even if it was just thought to be wrong. I learned from probably around 5 that the more you cried and showed your pain, the more you were to get hit. So I learned not to cry and just take it. You just take it and go inside yourself. I learned early to control. That at least I did not have to give that satisfaction of letting others see how much I hurt.
Then I had a mother that was addicted to drugs, who if she was not at work as a nurse (which is where she got her drugs) Then she was sleeping because she was so drugged out all the time. She never stood up for her children and sat and watched the abuse. Not only were we whipped with this rubber tool of my dads making, but we were also made to sit in dark closets for hours on end, or made to stand on one foot naked on the counter in the kitchen and if we even dared to put the other foot down, out came the rubber whip. To say the least we learned really great balance. It was extremely humiliating to stand like that in front of everyone else in the house and see the looks on their faces, that look that lets you know they are glad its you this time instead of them.
At the age of 8, I was at my church and was asked to help our minister to take some measurements in a shed on the property. Being that I was only 8 and with no adult who cared enough to watch me and give me guidance, I agreed to help him. I had no idea what evil was in the world and no one to teach me at that age about bad people. Well this minister took me to this shed and molested me, then left me locked in there ( I have no idea what his plans were for me), but thankfully there was this tiny window that I was able to smash out with my foot and escape. I ran home and told my parents, and they did call the police. The man was arrested and it was found he had many many victims, and some were not as lucky as me. The thing with this whole situation is this.... My parents way of dealing with this happening to their daughter was to act like it never happened. It was like the next day everyone acted like nothing had happened to me and back then Therapy was not a well known option as it is now. They never asked me how I was dealing with it, they never talked to me about it, they never mentioned it again. To them it was over but for me it is still not over. Again I learned to deal with a devastating thing on my own. I had to deal with the anger, with the degradation of my own body, with the nightmares (which at times I still have to this day), and with not being able to depend on anyone but myself. I learned that I had to control my feelings. That was how I survived and that is why I am here today. Because I learned how to control and compartmentalize things. I take that anger and put it in a box inside me and keep it locked up. God help those that might be around me if I ever let go of all that anger and rage I have put away for so many years and from so many things that have happened in my life.
So this is how I handle my anger. I learned it as a child, as a teenager and as an adult. It has been the one method that I have control. I have control therefore I survive. For every bad thing that has happened to me in my life (and there are many) I control my emotions, its what I do. So If you see me and talk to me about something that should seem so much more devastating then I let on with my emotions, its because I learned to control my anger and all my other emotions at an early age, and I still use that same method to this day. With every bad thing that I have gone through in my life, I control it, I put it in a place where it cant hurt me, where I don't lose. You see I learned as a child that if you let that anger out, it gives that person that angered you the satisfaction of further hurting you. To me this is letting them win even worse and I refuse to let that happen.
So Yes I have extreme anger over what this doctor did to me with this surgery and his lies, but he has already taken enough of me and I refuse to give him anymore of myself then he has already taken. He has taken my bodily functions, makes me live in constant pain, he has taken my sensation in parts of my body, he has taken the life I used to live and made me live a new life, he has taken my trust of doctors, but I will not ever give him who I am inside, he wont get that from me. I refuse to let him have that part of me., I will be 100% honest, I hate him. I hate him with a passion you could not even imagine, for the lies he told me to get me to consent to a surgery where he gave me inaccurate test results and never told me the risks I would suffer to get his way. I hate him for cutting my nerves and making me live this humiliating life. I hate him for so many reasons that I cannot even express. But I will never give him the satisfaction of knowing that he continuously keeps me from sleeping, from being able to eat, from living the life I should be living if it were not for him. I at least still have control of my emotions (or maybe I dont as much as I would like to at times) and this is why I control what I show to others.
What really gets me as well, is I am not a person that hates. I hate the word hate. Yet there you have it. I hate him, he has made me capable of hating someone, which I thought I could and would never do. When he took my life in his hands with his lies and ruined who I was, he taught me how to hate.
Yet I still can see you and you will wonder why I do not seem as angry as I should. Dont take for granted that I do not feel it, just because you cannot see it, just realize I only have control of it but its still there.
So for my doctor who asked me this question the other day at my appt.(you know who you are) I want to thank you for having me think long and hard about this, and realize that I do still use the tools that I used as a child. So I guess my theory after all was not as accurate as I thought it to be.
I have always had this theory and my answer to this question of anger is going to blow my theory right out of the water, this theory that I have stated time and time again over the years. I have always said that if you have abusive parents and you are a child that the parents are at fault for either allowing or causing this, but once you become an adult, you are responsible for your own decisions and your own life. Now this is where my theory gets blown out of the water. I realized after much thought, that I am handling the anger the same way I learned to handle anger as a child. This post is going to get very personal, as I really need to explain my past to explain my present. It is the only way it will make sense to anyone, because my doctor made me realize that I am the only one that does not see what others do. I just assume that they would understand that I am just dealing with it in my own way. I will be telling of things that I never thought I would put out there, things I have kept to myself inside my whole life. So I guess here it goes, and it might be a long read and at times hard for you to read, but I think it will explain my reaction to anger and make it a little clearer for those that do not understand, when they talk to me why they do not normally see the strong anger I have, I might seem somewhat normal to them.
I guess this is where I go back to the beginning :) I was the youngest of six children and had probably two of the worst parents in the world. I was physically abused over and over, year after year. My dad used to have this thing that he used to beat us with that was made up of 7 flat rubber straps duck taped together. I can only explain it as like a flogger. To make it hurt worse he actually put holes all through it so the rough edges would make the pain worse. This was used on a normal basis on us kids, for the slightest thing we might do wrong, or even if it was just thought to be wrong. I learned from probably around 5 that the more you cried and showed your pain, the more you were to get hit. So I learned not to cry and just take it. You just take it and go inside yourself. I learned early to control. That at least I did not have to give that satisfaction of letting others see how much I hurt.
Then I had a mother that was addicted to drugs, who if she was not at work as a nurse (which is where she got her drugs) Then she was sleeping because she was so drugged out all the time. She never stood up for her children and sat and watched the abuse. Not only were we whipped with this rubber tool of my dads making, but we were also made to sit in dark closets for hours on end, or made to stand on one foot naked on the counter in the kitchen and if we even dared to put the other foot down, out came the rubber whip. To say the least we learned really great balance. It was extremely humiliating to stand like that in front of everyone else in the house and see the looks on their faces, that look that lets you know they are glad its you this time instead of them.
At the age of 8, I was at my church and was asked to help our minister to take some measurements in a shed on the property. Being that I was only 8 and with no adult who cared enough to watch me and give me guidance, I agreed to help him. I had no idea what evil was in the world and no one to teach me at that age about bad people. Well this minister took me to this shed and molested me, then left me locked in there ( I have no idea what his plans were for me), but thankfully there was this tiny window that I was able to smash out with my foot and escape. I ran home and told my parents, and they did call the police. The man was arrested and it was found he had many many victims, and some were not as lucky as me. The thing with this whole situation is this.... My parents way of dealing with this happening to their daughter was to act like it never happened. It was like the next day everyone acted like nothing had happened to me and back then Therapy was not a well known option as it is now. They never asked me how I was dealing with it, they never talked to me about it, they never mentioned it again. To them it was over but for me it is still not over. Again I learned to deal with a devastating thing on my own. I had to deal with the anger, with the degradation of my own body, with the nightmares (which at times I still have to this day), and with not being able to depend on anyone but myself. I learned that I had to control my feelings. That was how I survived and that is why I am here today. Because I learned how to control and compartmentalize things. I take that anger and put it in a box inside me and keep it locked up. God help those that might be around me if I ever let go of all that anger and rage I have put away for so many years and from so many things that have happened in my life.
So this is how I handle my anger. I learned it as a child, as a teenager and as an adult. It has been the one method that I have control. I have control therefore I survive. For every bad thing that has happened to me in my life (and there are many) I control my emotions, its what I do. So If you see me and talk to me about something that should seem so much more devastating then I let on with my emotions, its because I learned to control my anger and all my other emotions at an early age, and I still use that same method to this day. With every bad thing that I have gone through in my life, I control it, I put it in a place where it cant hurt me, where I don't lose. You see I learned as a child that if you let that anger out, it gives that person that angered you the satisfaction of further hurting you. To me this is letting them win even worse and I refuse to let that happen.
So Yes I have extreme anger over what this doctor did to me with this surgery and his lies, but he has already taken enough of me and I refuse to give him anymore of myself then he has already taken. He has taken my bodily functions, makes me live in constant pain, he has taken my sensation in parts of my body, he has taken the life I used to live and made me live a new life, he has taken my trust of doctors, but I will not ever give him who I am inside, he wont get that from me. I refuse to let him have that part of me., I will be 100% honest, I hate him. I hate him with a passion you could not even imagine, for the lies he told me to get me to consent to a surgery where he gave me inaccurate test results and never told me the risks I would suffer to get his way. I hate him for cutting my nerves and making me live this humiliating life. I hate him for so many reasons that I cannot even express. But I will never give him the satisfaction of knowing that he continuously keeps me from sleeping, from being able to eat, from living the life I should be living if it were not for him. I at least still have control of my emotions (or maybe I dont as much as I would like to at times) and this is why I control what I show to others.
What really gets me as well, is I am not a person that hates. I hate the word hate. Yet there you have it. I hate him, he has made me capable of hating someone, which I thought I could and would never do. When he took my life in his hands with his lies and ruined who I was, he taught me how to hate.
Yet I still can see you and you will wonder why I do not seem as angry as I should. Dont take for granted that I do not feel it, just because you cannot see it, just realize I only have control of it but its still there.
So for my doctor who asked me this question the other day at my appt.(you know who you are) I want to thank you for having me think long and hard about this, and realize that I do still use the tools that I used as a child. So I guess my theory after all was not as accurate as I thought it to be.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Looks like Surgery Is hopefully the answer
Well I went to the infectious disease doc today and he agrees with putting in the suprapubic catheter. Everything I have been dealing with seems to be pointing to possible colonization of bacteria in my bladder, and both my urologist and the infectious doc agree on this route.
I will be scheduling my surgery as soon as possible, hopefully to avoid more infection. Lately there has been some really bad stuff coming out of the bladder that looks like a mixture of sand and mucus. I asked the infectious doc today and he said that its a good indicator of having stones in my bladder, as well as a breeding ground for bacteria, since my bladder does not work and things settle and build up in there. I hate when I start to get hopeful that something might work only to be disappointed, but this at least sounds like it could help, at least I am hopeful again.
I have my ultrasound next week to look for stones, and will also be scheduling my surgery. Apparently the surgery should not be too bad and its an out patient procedure so hopefully things go as planned. Also the infectious doc said that he will have me come in the day before and give me two different antibiotics by IV and then also for the next four days as well as IV fluids along with the antibiotics. This is to make sure that I do not again get an infection while trying to help the problem. It is just so frustrating, but at least I have now come to terms that this is what needs to happen, at least its something that may help. If not then they will remove it and go back to where I am, which would probably mean infection after infection. At this point I am out of ideas and so are the docs, so lets hope good things come from this.
I know that it wont fix my problems of my bodily functions not working or give me back the feeling where I am now numb, and I know the pain I live with, will still be there, and I will most likely be dependent on pain and nerve medication for the rest of my life (hoping that this does not damage my kidneys) as well as the indignity of having to wear diapers, but if I could at least have less infection that drains my body continuously to where I cannot even function from the exhaustion, then that will be a bit of improvement on my life at least. Maybe just maybe if I can go a month without infection, I can at least get a bit of my energy back because right now I feel like I am dying a slow death
My pain levels lately have been horrible and seem to always be getting worse. I am now having horrible pain in my heels when I just step on them to walk and I am hoping this CES is not progressively getting worse, causing more and more damage to my already damaged nerves. I try to go for walks to help with the pain, but its very hard for me to even get up the energy for that any more. I hate this life I live and so often want to just end it, but I know that would only be painful for my family and friends and that is not fair to them. Its not fair what I have to live with, but unlike that asshole doctor, I would never put my loved ones through that. I would not even do that to my worst enemies as I do not have a black heart like some people, like the doctor who did not care what he did to me. I am sure he goes on with his life, never giving a second thought to what he has done to my life. If you are reading this, do you Mr doctor? Do you have a conscience? Do you have nightmares about me like I have of you?
I hate that I have to live my life this way, and its so hard to be happy or even have one happy day but I try. I try to hope, to hope that I will see my grand daughters grow up and have children of their own.
The Darkness I am
It used to be the light in my day to day life
I was a great mother, and a wonderful wife
But the light keeps getting darker in this life of mine
The further I go on and the longer in time
They say the body is a temple to care for
That if you do it right, it will give you more
My temple has crumbled and is falling apart
Piece by piece it has shattered my heart
It amazes me that one man had that power
To smash in to bits what once was a tower
A tower of strength that seems no one could destroy
But he smashed it apart like some small plastic toy
My days I had known were so bright and so sure
My days now are spent just looking for a cure
A cure to live for, something I can grasp and embrace
Will I find it in time, can I really win this race
This race to find happiness and make the dark go away
The brightness of love that will shine on my days?
Its hard to stay hopeful with the things that I endure
The things that make death seems so much closer for sure
I want to remind that man who destroys
Of the light that he takes and breaks just like toys
You wont forget me, I will remind you each day
How your knives made of steal made me live this way
It would not be so bad if it were only your knives
But you go around with your lies ruining lives
For you never would have touched me with your knives made of steel
Had I known of your lies, you and the devil making your deals.
I wonder what you in the end will have to pay
For your deal with the devil and the lives that you slayed
I have a general idea of my future do you?
I wonder what the devil has in store when your due
I hope it was worth it to your soul.
I will be scheduling my surgery as soon as possible, hopefully to avoid more infection. Lately there has been some really bad stuff coming out of the bladder that looks like a mixture of sand and mucus. I asked the infectious doc today and he said that its a good indicator of having stones in my bladder, as well as a breeding ground for bacteria, since my bladder does not work and things settle and build up in there. I hate when I start to get hopeful that something might work only to be disappointed, but this at least sounds like it could help, at least I am hopeful again.
I have my ultrasound next week to look for stones, and will also be scheduling my surgery. Apparently the surgery should not be too bad and its an out patient procedure so hopefully things go as planned. Also the infectious doc said that he will have me come in the day before and give me two different antibiotics by IV and then also for the next four days as well as IV fluids along with the antibiotics. This is to make sure that I do not again get an infection while trying to help the problem. It is just so frustrating, but at least I have now come to terms that this is what needs to happen, at least its something that may help. If not then they will remove it and go back to where I am, which would probably mean infection after infection. At this point I am out of ideas and so are the docs, so lets hope good things come from this.
I know that it wont fix my problems of my bodily functions not working or give me back the feeling where I am now numb, and I know the pain I live with, will still be there, and I will most likely be dependent on pain and nerve medication for the rest of my life (hoping that this does not damage my kidneys) as well as the indignity of having to wear diapers, but if I could at least have less infection that drains my body continuously to where I cannot even function from the exhaustion, then that will be a bit of improvement on my life at least. Maybe just maybe if I can go a month without infection, I can at least get a bit of my energy back because right now I feel like I am dying a slow death
My pain levels lately have been horrible and seem to always be getting worse. I am now having horrible pain in my heels when I just step on them to walk and I am hoping this CES is not progressively getting worse, causing more and more damage to my already damaged nerves. I try to go for walks to help with the pain, but its very hard for me to even get up the energy for that any more. I hate this life I live and so often want to just end it, but I know that would only be painful for my family and friends and that is not fair to them. Its not fair what I have to live with, but unlike that asshole doctor, I would never put my loved ones through that. I would not even do that to my worst enemies as I do not have a black heart like some people, like the doctor who did not care what he did to me. I am sure he goes on with his life, never giving a second thought to what he has done to my life. If you are reading this, do you Mr doctor? Do you have a conscience? Do you have nightmares about me like I have of you?
I hate that I have to live my life this way, and its so hard to be happy or even have one happy day but I try. I try to hope, to hope that I will see my grand daughters grow up and have children of their own.
The Darkness I am
It used to be the light in my day to day life
I was a great mother, and a wonderful wife
But the light keeps getting darker in this life of mine
The further I go on and the longer in time
They say the body is a temple to care for
That if you do it right, it will give you more
My temple has crumbled and is falling apart
Piece by piece it has shattered my heart
It amazes me that one man had that power
To smash in to bits what once was a tower
A tower of strength that seems no one could destroy
But he smashed it apart like some small plastic toy
My days I had known were so bright and so sure
My days now are spent just looking for a cure
A cure to live for, something I can grasp and embrace
Will I find it in time, can I really win this race
This race to find happiness and make the dark go away
The brightness of love that will shine on my days?
Its hard to stay hopeful with the things that I endure
The things that make death seems so much closer for sure
I want to remind that man who destroys
Of the light that he takes and breaks just like toys
You wont forget me, I will remind you each day
How your knives made of steal made me live this way
It would not be so bad if it were only your knives
But you go around with your lies ruining lives
For you never would have touched me with your knives made of steel
Had I known of your lies, you and the devil making your deals.
I wonder what you in the end will have to pay
For your deal with the devil and the lives that you slayed
I have a general idea of my future do you?
I wonder what the devil has in store when your due
I hope it was worth it to your soul.
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