Wow what a surprise, now my marriage is in jeapordy all because of one doctor who thought they could lie and do a surgery that ruined most of my life. What I overlooked was the part of my life he had not yet completely destroyed, and it may be moving that direction. I realized right upon waking from surgery that I could not feel touch in my private areas, and we have lived without intimacy for almost 3 years, which everyone knows is so important in a marriage, and lets just say we were very active in that department before this all happened with this surgery..
I just realized tonight the real damage it has done to my relationship with my husband as well. I figured that since he never mentioned it, that at least that part of my life was still good. That was not the case, he was just very good at holding his emotions in. I can tell he is trying his best to be a loyal husband and stick to his vows, but it might be getting to be to much even for him. I guess it just takes the time to get to that boiling point till you really find out the true status of your marriage. I found that I am not the wife I thought I was even though I have been damaged permanently, that inside I have changed so much mentally that I have become a difficult person to live with as well. I can only imagine what it is like for him, and I cant say I blame him.
What concerns me in this place we are in, is what if it does end? Then what happens to me. He has taken care of me, he has supported me, his insurance has paid my medical bills. He has cleaned up all the mess from my bowels as they lose control, listened to me cry in the night, I guess there is only so much a person can take. We agreed to try to make it work, but now I am very scared and so is he. He wishes he had his wife back and I wish I could give that to him.
How can one person so completely destroy not only one but two lives, by telling lies and destroying a body. How do they live with that? I would really like to know how he sleeps at night, knowing the destruction he has caused.
I am aware of the effects it could have on my husband, and I just hoped that he could handle it. That may not be so, because we have been fighting more and more lately and it seems like I am a big burden to him now, instead of the woman I was before, the one he would move the world for. I am lost right now and do not know what to do. I think about a future without him and it scares me because he is the one that takes care of me, I am a dependent on his insurance, what if that goes away ? Am I going to end up on medical with sub par care, just because of injuries I have now that I should never have to have to begin with? Its a very scary feeling and has been keeping me up night after night. Before I would wake him if I was in pain, now I am reluctant to do that, because I feel like I am already walking a tight rope with this and him.
I have all of the parts of me that have been destroyed, and now it seems that I could have the ultimate loss, the love of my life. This is so wrong and I am so angry that I have been put in this place, somebody has to make this right or who knows what will happen to me. Will I end up on like the homeless, with no where to go and no medical care that I so desperately need because now I am disabled and unemployable? It just keeps getting worse and worse and more and more scary. I do not know where my life will end up now and I dont know what to do about it. All I know is that I have never felt a more powerful anger and sadness at the same time.
I do understand where he is coming from and I have felt lucky he has been here this long. I mean who wants a wife that cannot have intimate relations because she cannot feel, and has to worry about the risk of infection? Who wants a wife that cannot take care of a home. Who wants a wife that can do barely anything a normal wife would do? There are so many better women out there, that are healthy and could be all of that but I have no hope of that ever again, none, and it makes me not want to go on. I know I will because I am a fighter.
I think the worst situation happened tonight because my daughter may have to move in with us, one nine month old and one five year old, and I think that is what has pushed him over. He already spends so much time and money taking care of me and my medical needs, taking on driving me to doctors appts., making me dinner, having to pay someone to clean because I cant, emptying my suprapubic catheter in the middle of the night, and now this just might be too much and it scares me to death. Hes at his breaking point with the anger and exhaustion, I can see it, and I dont know where it will go from here, but at this point it does not look good.
Dont get me wrong, hes a wonderful man, but really how much can one man expect to give an get nothing back. If the tables were turned I am not sure I could handle it either. I am just about done, and for the first time in my life, I dont know what will come next and that is frightening ..................................
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Saturday, August 13, 2011
So it seems I am going to lose my mind as well as the life I had before surgery
I dont even know how to start this blog post, as my mind cannot even function anymore due to the constant pain and the constant mental stress all of what is going on is causing me. I am thinking this next week I need to find a good psychiatrist, because I just cannot deal with this crap anymore on my own. I was not built to deal with people who don't care and don't take responsibility for their actions. I am going to have a mental breakdown and I feel it coming. I really need professional help at this point on how to deal with it all, And I need a lot of it because I am at my breaking point now. And all is a lot of stuff. Its like the other side, yes the ones in my lawsuit have dug a very deep hole and threw me in it, and are slowly putting shovel after shovel of dirt in it, until they finally have me buried.
Today my husband gave me a new email that has more demands from the defense side. Seriously how much do you expect me to handle. I can hardly function each day as it is with all the pain you have caused me, that I get to live with for the rest of my life, due to the lies that were told to me to get me to consent to a surgery that destroyed my life. Well I cant do it, I don't even have the physical ability to look for all of this stuff you are demanding now, and my husband is going to have to take over because I just cant handle it anymore. You know what is really sad, is that he did not cause this you did, yet we are constantly being bombarded with demands for more documents, medical records, education levels, income paperwork, tell me do you want my first and only born child as well. My family did not cause this you did. Yet I yell at them and tell them not to even talk because I cannot even stand the sound of people talking my mind is so screwed up and when I get so stressed it makes the pain all the more painful by irritating my nerves.. I try so hard to be strong, to make it through each day, I have been trying to meet your demands no matter how much of a toll it takes on me mentally and pain wise. Its like it was not enough destroying my body and making me question why I keep going, do you know how many days I have thought of ending it all, but now it seems you are trying to take it all the way to the end and make me lose my mind of top of it all. PLEASE STOP before I go crazy.
I am surprised I still have a husband for what he has had to put up with since Jan 09. He has completely lost who I was, the wife he married, he now has this shell of a person who is in constant pain and cannot enjoy life with him, and I give him all the credit in the world that he is still here. I am not sure if I keep going the way I am, which is at a very high speed downhill, how long he will stay. Would that make you happy to know that not only did you destroy my body and my life, but you want to finish it off by destroying my family too because I take it out on them? I hate that I take it out on them because they are my anchors that have kept me here. If I had been alone, it might have been over a long time ago, because they keep me going, knowing I could never hurt them in that way. It is so so hard to keep this struggle going and to keep faith, with all that gets thrown my way as I try to just control the pain,
I have been trying to be the bigger person here, even though I suffer day in and day out, not talking about who did what, not naming names and hoping the legal system works, but I am losing that hope as it seems they are just taking advantage of it to make my life even more miserable than it already is, by demand after demand. The first year after this surgery in jan 09, I woke every day wanting to die because I could not imagine living the rest of my life with the damage that was done to me by you people. I thought I had learned to get my anger to a place and accept that this was my life now that I had to learn to live, but it just keeps getting worse and I do not know how much more I can take. That is why I am going to get help, to find a professional to talk to and hopefully talk me down from where I am, and how to cope with this all. Will you just finish this and stop trying to destroy me PLEASE. You know what is in those records and the medical Hell I have gone through since it happened, what more do you want?
I thought I was doing the right thing, by being quiet and keeping names out of this, and letting justice take its course, but I am wondering should this be the way I should handle this, or should I just put it all out there on all the different support forums for tarlov cysts and let people know the truth about what he does? Dont think that just because I have not been telling the world about what was done to me and the lies I was told makes me weak, what it does I thought was made me be the bigger person here, but eventually I will lose it, and I will not keep it a secret anymore. You are pushing me there, and it might not take much more for me to get there.
From now on I just cannot try to search for things that are from years ago, and control my pain and mental stability, so what ever my husband can find that is all there will be, because I cannot even think anymore without the anger coming back full force, and therefore irritating all those damaged nerves that send my pain out of control, which then puts me back in diapers and all the rest due to my body not being able to handle it. Do you know how it feels to take so many medications every day and the side effects it gives me just to survive each day? Well when my mind gets to this point, I hate to tell you but they don't work because the anger is too strong, which makes the pain too intense to control. Do you see by what I am writing I am now losing control, yes I am, so THANK YOU for that, I guess you just do not have hearts and that is a very sad thing. To destroy my body and who I was, and then do everything you can to also destroy a whole life completely.
Today my husband gave me a new email that has more demands from the defense side. Seriously how much do you expect me to handle. I can hardly function each day as it is with all the pain you have caused me, that I get to live with for the rest of my life, due to the lies that were told to me to get me to consent to a surgery that destroyed my life. Well I cant do it, I don't even have the physical ability to look for all of this stuff you are demanding now, and my husband is going to have to take over because I just cant handle it anymore. You know what is really sad, is that he did not cause this you did, yet we are constantly being bombarded with demands for more documents, medical records, education levels, income paperwork, tell me do you want my first and only born child as well. My family did not cause this you did. Yet I yell at them and tell them not to even talk because I cannot even stand the sound of people talking my mind is so screwed up and when I get so stressed it makes the pain all the more painful by irritating my nerves.. I try so hard to be strong, to make it through each day, I have been trying to meet your demands no matter how much of a toll it takes on me mentally and pain wise. Its like it was not enough destroying my body and making me question why I keep going, do you know how many days I have thought of ending it all, but now it seems you are trying to take it all the way to the end and make me lose my mind of top of it all. PLEASE STOP before I go crazy.
I am surprised I still have a husband for what he has had to put up with since Jan 09. He has completely lost who I was, the wife he married, he now has this shell of a person who is in constant pain and cannot enjoy life with him, and I give him all the credit in the world that he is still here. I am not sure if I keep going the way I am, which is at a very high speed downhill, how long he will stay. Would that make you happy to know that not only did you destroy my body and my life, but you want to finish it off by destroying my family too because I take it out on them? I hate that I take it out on them because they are my anchors that have kept me here. If I had been alone, it might have been over a long time ago, because they keep me going, knowing I could never hurt them in that way. It is so so hard to keep this struggle going and to keep faith, with all that gets thrown my way as I try to just control the pain,
I have been trying to be the bigger person here, even though I suffer day in and day out, not talking about who did what, not naming names and hoping the legal system works, but I am losing that hope as it seems they are just taking advantage of it to make my life even more miserable than it already is, by demand after demand. The first year after this surgery in jan 09, I woke every day wanting to die because I could not imagine living the rest of my life with the damage that was done to me by you people. I thought I had learned to get my anger to a place and accept that this was my life now that I had to learn to live, but it just keeps getting worse and I do not know how much more I can take. That is why I am going to get help, to find a professional to talk to and hopefully talk me down from where I am, and how to cope with this all. Will you just finish this and stop trying to destroy me PLEASE. You know what is in those records and the medical Hell I have gone through since it happened, what more do you want?
I thought I was doing the right thing, by being quiet and keeping names out of this, and letting justice take its course, but I am wondering should this be the way I should handle this, or should I just put it all out there on all the different support forums for tarlov cysts and let people know the truth about what he does? Dont think that just because I have not been telling the world about what was done to me and the lies I was told makes me weak, what it does I thought was made me be the bigger person here, but eventually I will lose it, and I will not keep it a secret anymore. You are pushing me there, and it might not take much more for me to get there.
From now on I just cannot try to search for things that are from years ago, and control my pain and mental stability, so what ever my husband can find that is all there will be, because I cannot even think anymore without the anger coming back full force, and therefore irritating all those damaged nerves that send my pain out of control, which then puts me back in diapers and all the rest due to my body not being able to handle it. Do you know how it feels to take so many medications every day and the side effects it gives me just to survive each day? Well when my mind gets to this point, I hate to tell you but they don't work because the anger is too strong, which makes the pain too intense to control. Do you see by what I am writing I am now losing control, yes I am, so THANK YOU for that, I guess you just do not have hearts and that is a very sad thing. To destroy my body and who I was, and then do everything you can to also destroy a whole life completely.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
I am losing faith in Humanity but I know and have try to believe that life is better than this
I have so much anger and torment in my life right now, and its so hard to keep on keeping faith that karma will even out for me. I know I am a good person and I dont deserve what I have been through or the life I have to live now, but it is what it is, and sometimes its just way to hard to handle.
These last few weeks have sucked me dry of emotion and strength and I am trying to be so strong, while continuously being pushed and pushed towards that edge of no return. I wont let them push me there though, I refuse. After yesterday it is harder than it has ever been since that spinal cord surgery that destroyed my life. I had to go and be examined by their neurologist for my injuries, and I don't know if it was the stress this caused for me, or the exam itself which included being poked with safety pins all over and around my surgical site that has caused the nerve pain to go out of control, but here I am at almost 12:30 wide awake being jolted left and right, like I am a piece of cattle and they are using a cattle prod on my private areas and down my legs, which hurts more then you can imagine.
Sometimes I wonder just how much a body can take, and I hope and pray that my body is strong enough to survive all of this pain and misery that it has brought into my life. Just please let me try to learn to live with this without overwhelming me with your demands. You know who you are, as I have no doubt you have found my blog (and no it is not anyone that is close to me, in fact it are those I wish to never know again) This part is for them. Do you know how you have destroyed my life? Do you have any idea what it is like to live this way, knowing how my life was before, and the happiness I had known, I wish you did, I wish you could have seen how happy I was before with my family an being normal, I wish you could experience just a small amount of what I go through on a daily basis now, then maybe you would have a little more compassion, but instead you are more worried about protecting yourself instead of putting yourself in my shoes. So now not only do I live with the pain and suffering, but I also have to live with your demands that cause extreme stress on me.
I have no time to enjoy my life, and could not even enjoy my life if I wanted to, you know why? Because its hard to do with all the pain and all the medications, and lack of sleep from being jolted awake each and every night from the pain and then on top of it having to deal with all of you. I am exhausted, I am broke down, yet you continue to bleed me till you think I will give up. Well I was strong before this, and I will continue to be strong until I feel that justice has been sought and met. It needs to stop and if you have any heart or soul at all you will consider what my life is like. Because its horrible but I keep on keeping on, just going day by day and hoping the next one will be better. So far that has not happened. This is for you, this is how you make me feel.
The Sorrow Of My Soul
The sorrow of my soul that is my life
Don't you know it Is tearing me apart
I wish I could make it all go away
That you would just have a a heart
It seems such a little thing to ask
To just let me live my life
To let have some privacy
Instead of all of this strife
How long can this keep this going on
do you think you can outlast me
The one thing I do have is strenght
No matter what that will always be
My body defies me day and night
Like its doing right now at this time
But even though you have destroyed me inside
My soul will always be mine
You can keep on trying to make me give up
Through your demands and lack of a heart
I will be right there behind you all the way
Letting you know I will not fall apart
I have to admit that there have been times
When I wanted to give into the pain
To just give up and end it all
But yet here I still remain
The reason I remain is my beliefs
Those beliefs that the good will always come through
That the bad things that you put out there
Will only come back to you
Your karma will come and even out
And give back the balance of what you have given
Then how will you deal with it then
Are you prepared to face how you are living
Well no matter how much pain and sorrow I have
I will not ever give up this fight
Because I believe that those that are wrong
Need to learn to do what is right
I will live with this pain and embrace who I am
This damaged shell of what I used to be
I will learn to go on how ever long I can
How ever long the sorrow of my soul allows me.
I wont stop, I will fight, I will have courage,
I will have strengthI will at as long as life lets me,and that is what I have now
that you have changed me to this, this damaged life.
You will never take my soul, the sorrow of what it is, it is mine, not yours.
These last few weeks have sucked me dry of emotion and strength and I am trying to be so strong, while continuously being pushed and pushed towards that edge of no return. I wont let them push me there though, I refuse. After yesterday it is harder than it has ever been since that spinal cord surgery that destroyed my life. I had to go and be examined by their neurologist for my injuries, and I don't know if it was the stress this caused for me, or the exam itself which included being poked with safety pins all over and around my surgical site that has caused the nerve pain to go out of control, but here I am at almost 12:30 wide awake being jolted left and right, like I am a piece of cattle and they are using a cattle prod on my private areas and down my legs, which hurts more then you can imagine.
Sometimes I wonder just how much a body can take, and I hope and pray that my body is strong enough to survive all of this pain and misery that it has brought into my life. Just please let me try to learn to live with this without overwhelming me with your demands. You know who you are, as I have no doubt you have found my blog (and no it is not anyone that is close to me, in fact it are those I wish to never know again) This part is for them. Do you know how you have destroyed my life? Do you have any idea what it is like to live this way, knowing how my life was before, and the happiness I had known, I wish you did, I wish you could have seen how happy I was before with my family an being normal, I wish you could experience just a small amount of what I go through on a daily basis now, then maybe you would have a little more compassion, but instead you are more worried about protecting yourself instead of putting yourself in my shoes. So now not only do I live with the pain and suffering, but I also have to live with your demands that cause extreme stress on me.
I have no time to enjoy my life, and could not even enjoy my life if I wanted to, you know why? Because its hard to do with all the pain and all the medications, and lack of sleep from being jolted awake each and every night from the pain and then on top of it having to deal with all of you. I am exhausted, I am broke down, yet you continue to bleed me till you think I will give up. Well I was strong before this, and I will continue to be strong until I feel that justice has been sought and met. It needs to stop and if you have any heart or soul at all you will consider what my life is like. Because its horrible but I keep on keeping on, just going day by day and hoping the next one will be better. So far that has not happened. This is for you, this is how you make me feel.
The Sorrow Of My Soul
The sorrow of my soul that is my life
Don't you know it Is tearing me apart
I wish I could make it all go away
That you would just have a a heart
It seems such a little thing to ask
To just let me live my life
To let have some privacy
Instead of all of this strife
How long can this keep this going on
do you think you can outlast me
The one thing I do have is strenght
No matter what that will always be
My body defies me day and night
Like its doing right now at this time
But even though you have destroyed me inside
My soul will always be mine
You can keep on trying to make me give up
Through your demands and lack of a heart
I will be right there behind you all the way
Letting you know I will not fall apart
I have to admit that there have been times
When I wanted to give into the pain
To just give up and end it all
But yet here I still remain
The reason I remain is my beliefs
Those beliefs that the good will always come through
That the bad things that you put out there
Will only come back to you
Your karma will come and even out
And give back the balance of what you have given
Then how will you deal with it then
Are you prepared to face how you are living
Well no matter how much pain and sorrow I have
I will not ever give up this fight
Because I believe that those that are wrong
Need to learn to do what is right
I will live with this pain and embrace who I am
This damaged shell of what I used to be
I will learn to go on how ever long I can
How ever long the sorrow of my soul allows me.
I wont stop, I will fight, I will have courage,
I will have strengthI will at as long as life lets me,and that is what I have now
that you have changed me to this, this damaged life.
You will never take my soul, the sorrow of what it is, it is mine, not yours.
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