I have so much anger and torment in my life right now, and its so hard to keep on keeping faith that karma will even out for me. I know I am a good person and I dont deserve what I have been through or the life I have to live now, but it is what it is, and sometimes its just way to hard to handle.
These last few weeks have sucked me dry of emotion and strength and I am trying to be so strong, while continuously being pushed and pushed towards that edge of no return. I wont let them push me there though, I refuse. After yesterday it is harder than it has ever been since that spinal cord surgery that destroyed my life. I had to go and be examined by their neurologist for my injuries, and I don't know if it was the stress this caused for me, or the exam itself which included being poked with safety pins all over and around my surgical site that has caused the nerve pain to go out of control, but here I am at almost 12:30 wide awake being jolted left and right, like I am a piece of cattle and they are using a cattle prod on my private areas and down my legs, which hurts more then you can imagine.
Sometimes I wonder just how much a body can take, and I hope and pray that my body is strong enough to survive all of this pain and misery that it has brought into my life. Just please let me try to learn to live with this without overwhelming me with your demands. You know who you are, as I have no doubt you have found my blog (and no it is not anyone that is close to me, in fact it are those I wish to never know again) This part is for them. Do you know how you have destroyed my life? Do you have any idea what it is like to live this way, knowing how my life was before, and the happiness I had known, I wish you did, I wish you could have seen how happy I was before with my family an being normal, I wish you could experience just a small amount of what I go through on a daily basis now, then maybe you would have a little more compassion, but instead you are more worried about protecting yourself instead of putting yourself in my shoes. So now not only do I live with the pain and suffering, but I also have to live with your demands that cause extreme stress on me.
I have no time to enjoy my life, and could not even enjoy my life if I wanted to, you know why? Because its hard to do with all the pain and all the medications, and lack of sleep from being jolted awake each and every night from the pain and then on top of it having to deal with all of you. I am exhausted, I am broke down, yet you continue to bleed me till you think I will give up. Well I was strong before this, and I will continue to be strong until I feel that justice has been sought and met. It needs to stop and if you have any heart or soul at all you will consider what my life is like. Because its horrible but I keep on keeping on, just going day by day and hoping the next one will be better. So far that has not happened. This is for you, this is how you make me feel.
The Sorrow Of My Soul
The sorrow of my soul that is my life
Don't you know it Is tearing me apart
I wish I could make it all go away
That you would just have a a heart
It seems such a little thing to ask
To just let me live my life
To let have some privacy
Instead of all of this strife
How long can this keep this going on
do you think you can outlast me
The one thing I do have is strenght
No matter what that will always be
My body defies me day and night
Like its doing right now at this time
But even though you have destroyed me inside
My soul will always be mine
You can keep on trying to make me give up
Through your demands and lack of a heart
I will be right there behind you all the way
Letting you know I will not fall apart
I have to admit that there have been times
When I wanted to give into the pain
To just give up and end it all
But yet here I still remain
The reason I remain is my beliefs
Those beliefs that the good will always come through
That the bad things that you put out there
Will only come back to you
Your karma will come and even out
And give back the balance of what you have given
Then how will you deal with it then
Are you prepared to face how you are living
Well no matter how much pain and sorrow I have
I will not ever give up this fight
Because I believe that those that are wrong
Need to learn to do what is right
I will live with this pain and embrace who I am
This damaged shell of what I used to be
I will learn to go on how ever long I can
How ever long the sorrow of my soul allows me.
I wont stop, I will fight, I will have courage,
I will have strengthI will at as long as life lets me,and that is what I have now
that you have changed me to this, this damaged life.
You will never take my soul, the sorrow of what it is, it is mine, not yours.
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