Wow what a surprise, now my marriage is in jeapordy all because of one doctor who thought they could lie and do a surgery that ruined most of my life. What I overlooked was the part of my life he had not yet completely destroyed, and it may be moving that direction. I realized right upon waking from surgery that I could not feel touch in my private areas, and we have lived without intimacy for almost 3 years, which everyone knows is so important in a marriage, and lets just say we were very active in that department before this all happened with this surgery..
I just realized tonight the real damage it has done to my relationship with my husband as well. I figured that since he never mentioned it, that at least that part of my life was still good. That was not the case, he was just very good at holding his emotions in. I can tell he is trying his best to be a loyal husband and stick to his vows, but it might be getting to be to much even for him. I guess it just takes the time to get to that boiling point till you really find out the true status of your marriage. I found that I am not the wife I thought I was even though I have been damaged permanently, that inside I have changed so much mentally that I have become a difficult person to live with as well. I can only imagine what it is like for him, and I cant say I blame him.
What concerns me in this place we are in, is what if it does end? Then what happens to me. He has taken care of me, he has supported me, his insurance has paid my medical bills. He has cleaned up all the mess from my bowels as they lose control, listened to me cry in the night, I guess there is only so much a person can take. We agreed to try to make it work, but now I am very scared and so is he. He wishes he had his wife back and I wish I could give that to him.
How can one person so completely destroy not only one but two lives, by telling lies and destroying a body. How do they live with that? I would really like to know how he sleeps at night, knowing the destruction he has caused.
I am aware of the effects it could have on my husband, and I just hoped that he could handle it. That may not be so, because we have been fighting more and more lately and it seems like I am a big burden to him now, instead of the woman I was before, the one he would move the world for. I am lost right now and do not know what to do. I think about a future without him and it scares me because he is the one that takes care of me, I am a dependent on his insurance, what if that goes away ? Am I going to end up on medical with sub par care, just because of injuries I have now that I should never have to have to begin with? Its a very scary feeling and has been keeping me up night after night. Before I would wake him if I was in pain, now I am reluctant to do that, because I feel like I am already walking a tight rope with this and him.
I have all of the parts of me that have been destroyed, and now it seems that I could have the ultimate loss, the love of my life. This is so wrong and I am so angry that I have been put in this place, somebody has to make this right or who knows what will happen to me. Will I end up on like the homeless, with no where to go and no medical care that I so desperately need because now I am disabled and unemployable? It just keeps getting worse and worse and more and more scary. I do not know where my life will end up now and I dont know what to do about it. All I know is that I have never felt a more powerful anger and sadness at the same time.
I do understand where he is coming from and I have felt lucky he has been here this long. I mean who wants a wife that cannot have intimate relations because she cannot feel, and has to worry about the risk of infection? Who wants a wife that cannot take care of a home. Who wants a wife that can do barely anything a normal wife would do? There are so many better women out there, that are healthy and could be all of that but I have no hope of that ever again, none, and it makes me not want to go on. I know I will because I am a fighter.
I think the worst situation happened tonight because my daughter may have to move in with us, one nine month old and one five year old, and I think that is what has pushed him over. He already spends so much time and money taking care of me and my medical needs, taking on driving me to doctors appts., making me dinner, having to pay someone to clean because I cant, emptying my suprapubic catheter in the middle of the night, and now this just might be too much and it scares me to death. Hes at his breaking point with the anger and exhaustion, I can see it, and I dont know where it will go from here, but at this point it does not look good.
Dont get me wrong, hes a wonderful man, but really how much can one man expect to give an get nothing back. If the tables were turned I am not sure I could handle it either. I am just about done, and for the first time in my life, I dont know what will come next and that is frightening ..................................
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