I dont even know how to start this blog post, as my mind cannot even function anymore due to the constant pain and the constant mental stress all of what is going on is causing me. I am thinking this next week I need to find a good psychiatrist, because I just cannot deal with this crap anymore on my own. I was not built to deal with people who don't care and don't take responsibility for their actions. I am going to have a mental breakdown and I feel it coming. I really need professional help at this point on how to deal with it all, And I need a lot of it because I am at my breaking point now. And all is a lot of stuff. Its like the other side, yes the ones in my lawsuit have dug a very deep hole and threw me in it, and are slowly putting shovel after shovel of dirt in it, until they finally have me buried.
Today my husband gave me a new email that has more demands from the defense side. Seriously how much do you expect me to handle. I can hardly function each day as it is with all the pain you have caused me, that I get to live with for the rest of my life, due to the lies that were told to me to get me to consent to a surgery that destroyed my life. Well I cant do it, I don't even have the physical ability to look for all of this stuff you are demanding now, and my husband is going to have to take over because I just cant handle it anymore. You know what is really sad, is that he did not cause this you did, yet we are constantly being bombarded with demands for more documents, medical records, education levels, income paperwork, tell me do you want my first and only born child as well. My family did not cause this you did. Yet I yell at them and tell them not to even talk because I cannot even stand the sound of people talking my mind is so screwed up and when I get so stressed it makes the pain all the more painful by irritating my nerves.. I try so hard to be strong, to make it through each day, I have been trying to meet your demands no matter how much of a toll it takes on me mentally and pain wise. Its like it was not enough destroying my body and making me question why I keep going, do you know how many days I have thought of ending it all, but now it seems you are trying to take it all the way to the end and make me lose my mind of top of it all. PLEASE STOP before I go crazy.
I am surprised I still have a husband for what he has had to put up with since Jan 09. He has completely lost who I was, the wife he married, he now has this shell of a person who is in constant pain and cannot enjoy life with him, and I give him all the credit in the world that he is still here. I am not sure if I keep going the way I am, which is at a very high speed downhill, how long he will stay. Would that make you happy to know that not only did you destroy my body and my life, but you want to finish it off by destroying my family too because I take it out on them? I hate that I take it out on them because they are my anchors that have kept me here. If I had been alone, it might have been over a long time ago, because they keep me going, knowing I could never hurt them in that way. It is so so hard to keep this struggle going and to keep faith, with all that gets thrown my way as I try to just control the pain,
I have been trying to be the bigger person here, even though I suffer day in and day out, not talking about who did what, not naming names and hoping the legal system works, but I am losing that hope as it seems they are just taking advantage of it to make my life even more miserable than it already is, by demand after demand. The first year after this surgery in jan 09, I woke every day wanting to die because I could not imagine living the rest of my life with the damage that was done to me by you people. I thought I had learned to get my anger to a place and accept that this was my life now that I had to learn to live, but it just keeps getting worse and I do not know how much more I can take. That is why I am going to get help, to find a professional to talk to and hopefully talk me down from where I am, and how to cope with this all. Will you just finish this and stop trying to destroy me PLEASE. You know what is in those records and the medical Hell I have gone through since it happened, what more do you want?
I thought I was doing the right thing, by being quiet and keeping names out of this, and letting justice take its course, but I am wondering should this be the way I should handle this, or should I just put it all out there on all the different support forums for tarlov cysts and let people know the truth about what he does? Dont think that just because I have not been telling the world about what was done to me and the lies I was told makes me weak, what it does I thought was made me be the bigger person here, but eventually I will lose it, and I will not keep it a secret anymore. You are pushing me there, and it might not take much more for me to get there.
From now on I just cannot try to search for things that are from years ago, and control my pain and mental stability, so what ever my husband can find that is all there will be, because I cannot even think anymore without the anger coming back full force, and therefore irritating all those damaged nerves that send my pain out of control, which then puts me back in diapers and all the rest due to my body not being able to handle it. Do you know how it feels to take so many medications every day and the side effects it gives me just to survive each day? Well when my mind gets to this point, I hate to tell you but they don't work because the anger is too strong, which makes the pain too intense to control. Do you see by what I am writing I am now losing control, yes I am, so THANK YOU for that, I guess you just do not have hearts and that is a very sad thing. To destroy my body and who I was, and then do everything you can to also destroy a whole life completely.
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