Well this post is going to be a bit different. I have sat here thinking about how I affect the people around me, and besides my husband, I think it has affected my my daughter the worst. So this is escpecially too her. In case one day you find my blog, you will know that you have never been out of my thoughts even though I have not been there for you the way I have in the past.
I am sorry I am not the mom you used to know. I know it hurts you when I am not there for you like I used to be before this new life. I want to write this in case you ever find my blog and wonder if I ever think about how it affects you, this crappy thing called CES. You have to know that in my heart with you, it effects me the worse. We all know my husband is able to roll with the punches, because he is made of that kind of stuff, with that steel exterior, even though I know it hurts him inside, I am sure it hurts you and my grand baby even worse, which is something that one cannot even imagine if they have ever seen the look of hurt on my husbands face in my bad times.
I miss seeing you all the time, and doing things with you and the grand baby, like going to disneyland, the aquirium, the zoo and all those other wonderful things we used to do. I hate hearing the disappointment in your voice when I let you down and it breaks my heart. I hate that while you are going through such a rough time right now with your pregnancy, worrying if that little one will stay in there as long as she should, that I cannot help lighten that load for you. I remember when your daughter was born at 26 weeks, and while you were at the hospital I would go to your house almost every day and clean, rearrange, set up furnishings, go shopping for things you needed. I was there 100% no matter what you needed, but this time I know I am not and I am disappointed in myself for not being able to do those things this time. Even though I know its out of my control it still hurts me to hear it in your voice and know that not only has this changed me, but its changed us. I have loved you from the day you came into this world, and everything I have ever done has been or revolved around you and me. We were a pair and now I let you down on a contant basis and I hate that.
I hope one day things will get better because I miss us. I think the times I know I hurt you the worst are the times that I recieve those letters of frustration from you asking me why I cant just move on and be the mom you used to know. I would love nothing more but unfortunately my body does not agree with my mind or my heart.
I do start new rehab with the nerve damage specialist this week and hopefully between her and the neuro I can accomplish some improvement. I dream of getting at least somewhat more mobile to be able to have the fun we used to or at least come close. I wish I could just run with you both like I did before jan 2009. I dream of it and wake up, and that is when I cry, I cry because I love you so much but cannot give you what you need all the time. Shoot lets be honest here, I cannot give you what you wish hardly ever. .
So for you my dear daughter, I want you to know I feel the loss too and I wish I could change it more then anything in this world. Hopefully over time with more rehab I will get more functionality, or at least that is what I wish for. I love you xoxo and never forget that no matter what or who I become, never ever forget that.
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