Its Late, Its Quiet, Its Dark, Its The Way I Feel Inside

Its late at night and I cannot sleep. For the last week I have been having issues sleeping as everytime I fall asleep I am jolted awake by these horrible pains. They feel like being hit with a cattle prod. I fondly refer to them as the cattle prod in the crotch and they wake me instantaneously. Its amazing I can feel that pain but I cannot feel when my husband tries to touch me because I am numb. People ask well cant you at least let him be satisfied? What they do not understand is my husband is not that guy that just wants to satisfy himself, hes that guy that wants to make love, and knowing I cannot feel his touch it to painful for him to have that excitement that is required to satisfy himself, if he cannot satisfy me he cannot even bear the thought of just satisfying himself. He wants me to feel that intimate touch the same as he can and if I cannot then he cannot bear the pain of knowing this, so he too suffers along with me. That is why I am awake right now. I was asleep, but as you can see I am now blogging. Sometimes this blog saves my life.

Its one of those nights where everything is very dark and quite, quite except for the sound of the wind and the thoughts in my head. You know the kind of night I am talking about? Those kind of nights that make your mind go to dark places because there is no one there to talk to so your mind just wanders, it wanders to dark and desperate places and seems to match the outside world, the same as your inside world?

The silence makes me think to much, and for some reason makes the physical pain and the emotional pain so much more intense. Its like because I have nothing or too much too think about, it makes the nerve signals easier for those nerve pains to come through and make my life hell. Its like a direct connection to remind the  signals of the damage, the damage that is me and who I am now.

I sit and think about what my life was like before the day my life changed. I have decided to refer to it as the day I had to start a new life, because my old life as I knew it was gone. And let me tell you this new life sucks to be honest, it sucks I cannot do what I used to and it takes so much for me to try and keep my spirits up. That new life started in the beginning of 2009. When its quiet and late I am reminded all to well of what I have lost. The loss of running and playing with my grand daughter, going roller skating, riding my bike, hiking the cliffs around my house, going on vacation and swimming with dolphins, all those awesome adventures that I did and had to look forward to in the future, that life that is no longer there, that future was taken away from me in a split second, or I guess you would say in how ever much time it took that doctor to destroy my nerves..

My husband lies beside me sleeping soundly as I type away. He sleeps like a baby, how I envy him sometimes. But then I feel bad because how can I envy a man I love so deeply, a man who loves me so deeply. A man who stands beside me no matter what, that goes to doctor appt. after doctor appt. That will get up in the middle of the night, put on his miner head light and cath me to help keep infection under control, That man that will awaken if I cry to loud from the pain and hold me and calm me because somehow even though he cannot feel my physical pain he somehow understands it and he just keeps on until the crying and hysterics stop. How  can I envy a man who has taken over not only his own responsibilities in life but mine as well. He Cleans, he does all my laundry, he does the grocery shopping, hes everything all the time. So how can I envy him for taking on all of that. Its the sleep, maybe that is what it is, it is the envy of the sleep and not him. Its the envy I have of not being able to sleep a whole night through without being jolted awake by pain. Its really amazing the small things that some take for granted. I now appreciate those small things. I wish for those small beautiful things all the time.

I have written a lot of poems at night and slowly I have been transfering them over to this blog, and for some reason tonight seems a perfect time to transfer one of those poems that can explain how I feel better than  I can write it in regular words. So for you my friends who follow my blog I will post one that I wrote at an earlier time, a time when I was feeling this same way. I really hope those that consider that a tarlov cyst can cause you grief really understand how much worse it can be, if you have a surgeon that can damage you, and lie to you and put you in my place. I would love to go backwards in time if only I could.

Here is one of my poems of my sadness I live with now that my life was changed:

The Silence Within

The silence is so deafening
As I keep going further in
I cannot seem to turn and go back
To where I have always been

I Just keep going deeper
Though I try turning back
The sadness is so beautiful
To this heart that has turned black

I'm trying to chase the rainbow
That I know is over the ridge
If I could just climb high enough
And go across that bridge

I need to make my way across
To the beauty that life has for me
The song of oceans I know exists
The beauty I used to see

How did I end up in this place
Where my dreams were taken away
Its not the place I used to know
Where my mind would run and play

Be careful of who you trust out there
So you don't end up like me
Trusting someone who only wants to
Go and steal your dreams

I have to say at least I have learned
To open myself to only a few
To keep my dreams close to my heart
And share them only with you

I hope the silence goes away
And I can come out to the sun
I want to laugh, I want to dream
I want this darkness done

The Silence within me is losing its grip
As I keep trying to get away
I think I may be winning the fight
The night has now turned to day

The silence seems to be gone for now
I hope it stays away
At least for a while, so that I
Can feel warmth shining for at least a day