Why Does The Sun Shine But Not On Me

Its Official, I hate hate hate CES.

It is one of those days that no matter how I sit, lay, stand, it makes no difference to my body and the pain that defies me. I am in Pain. Pain that rules my life. I have taken a burning hot bath, I have sat on ice packs, I have taken medications, I have sat in the recliner, I have laid in  my bed, laid on my couch, stood and paced and nothing can effect that horrible pain. Why? Why is it me that has to live this way? Why not the asshole who has created this? Not only am I dealing with the pain so badly today, but I am so tired I want to die. I feel like crap, have no appetite and I am tired of having hot sweats and then cold chills from this infection.

I also hate when people say " Hey how ya doing today" and you say" oh I am ok" when you know you are lying out of your ass. You know you are not ok, but its what people expect you to say some kind of pleasantry that was started a million years ago I would guess. Do they really want you to be honest? I have seen many people disappear when I am honest. Its like when you go to a doctor and they always always ask " So how are you today" . Now how ironic is that really? You are in the doctors office because you are obviously not ok, but still you say oh I am ok, and they obviously know that since you are there you are not ok. So Why the question, why is it asked? Its a frustrating question that I always dread.

My daughter has gotten so smart over  the last year and a half, she does not ask me how I am today. Why? Because she knows that I will not really tell her, and then If I do really tell her she gets upset. Its a no win situation, so instead we just dont go there. here is a poem I wrote earlier on in this CES journey that really fits this conversation of how people ask questions and don't understand. It is a poem of my frustration. Its a poem that unfortunately I have too many days feeling the same as I did when I wrote it. I wrote this back in July of last year:

'I Am Tired

I am so tired
I am so tired of being me
I am tired of wanting change
I am tired of what has become of me

I am tired of the pain
I am tired of my body defying me
I am tired of people being angry at me because I am tired

I am tired of being sorry
I am tired of trying to say I am ok when I am not
I am tired of the fact that I am just not me
I am tired of being lost in this body
I am just so tired today

I'm Angry

I am angry
I am so very angry at life
I am angry that my most personal self has been taken
I am Angry that a large part of me is gone
I am angry because I have to explain myself
I am angry at the pain each day
I am angry that I have to explain the pain each day
I am so angry sometimes it consumes me

I am angry I cannot feel
I am angry people don't understand I cannot feel
I am angry that I have pain and cannot feel
I am angry people don't understand what its like

I am thankful

I am thankful I have you and you love me
That is all I am thankful for right now

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day